You Only Get One Chance To Make A First Impression
Being a bad drunk will allow you to meet, confuse and intimidate new people on an almost daily basis. Often, the chance meetings of strangers will lead to an amusing drunken conversation, the occasional fight and nothing more.
Sometimes, however, the unfortunate person to meet drunk Peter will be a friend of a friend, sister, aunt or other hanger-on. This means that I get to hear about my misbehaviours rather than being allowed to happily forget them.
For example, one acquaintance always brings up my comments to him the first time we met. Apparently, I initiated a discussion as to how many people would, were they to have their faces peeled off, turn out to be robots underneath.
This isn't that bad a topic, excepting the context. The query was segued nicely into a discussion we were having about football. I then asserted that I suspected everyone but myself to be robots and that I intended to solve the problem once and for all. I then disappeared (to the toilet) leaving PR to worry whether I was about to return with a fish knife and start my investigation.
Another friend once claimed to be extremely tired and sleepy after an extended bout of daytime drinking. I did not find myself with this problem, devoted as I am to Vodka Red Bulls. Allegedly, I looked this poor unfortunate as squarely in the eye as one can after six hours of drinking and said
He believed me and the drinking continued. Mission accomplished.
Another tricky time is when groups of people with only 1 friend in common meet. These tribes can be of surprisingly different worldviews. Myself and SB were once tasked with distracting our friend DW whilst preparations were made for his surprise birthday party. The natural way to do this was to retire for a few celebratory drinks in our local. DW also brought along one of his presents for show and tell - a swiss army knife cunningly hidden in a credit card.
Discussion quickly turned to how sharp said knife was. Three hours later when we returned (a little later than expected) to the party the other guests were in for something of a shock. The "other" friends, really comprising of "colleagues" jumped out to see me, DW and SB all swaying slightly, myself with blood running fairly freely down my arm.
Myself and SB were in good form at this point. After explaining to various people that SB had cut my arm, I proceeded to detail just how pissed off with him I was, as he had spilt my pint, leading to a brief knife fight. At this moment SB decided to wave a two pronged barbeque fork in my face and I grabbed a kitchen knife as we squared up to each other. The other guests' expressions revealed they didn't quite get the "joke". When someone bravely intervened, SB decided the time for explanations had arrived - "It's OK. We always do this."
However, my greatest behaviour when meeting new people happened one night in town. Myself, SB and KP were well into our drinking when we bumped (likely literally) into a young couple, Sibs and Nips.
After a few hours chatting with this couple nothing really unusual had happened. KP was extremely fucked up, however and SB decided to take him home. I had other priorities and decided to stay. Yes, a couple of hours after meeting my "new friends" I decided to remain, effectively alone, so that I could drink further.
Within half an hour the inevitable unpleasantness occurred. Nips (the female of the couple) decided to visit the toilet. As she left, I bent over, and in full view of Sibs (obviously, the male), took a deep sniff of the stool she had recently vacated. Needless to say, this action took some explaining.
I can't remember what I claimed I was doing, but surprisingly managed to talk the situation out, without any serious consequence. Indeed, when I saw the pair again a few weeks later they approached me to drink with them. I had no idea who they were, of course, but they remembered me. Suffice to say, I made a lasting impression.
Sometimes, however, the unfortunate person to meet drunk Peter will be a friend of a friend, sister, aunt or other hanger-on. This means that I get to hear about my misbehaviours rather than being allowed to happily forget them.
For example, one acquaintance always brings up my comments to him the first time we met. Apparently, I initiated a discussion as to how many people would, were they to have their faces peeled off, turn out to be robots underneath.
This isn't that bad a topic, excepting the context. The query was segued nicely into a discussion we were having about football. I then asserted that I suspected everyone but myself to be robots and that I intended to solve the problem once and for all. I then disappeared (to the toilet) leaving PR to worry whether I was about to return with a fish knife and start my investigation.
Another friend once claimed to be extremely tired and sleepy after an extended bout of daytime drinking. I did not find myself with this problem, devoted as I am to Vodka Red Bulls. Allegedly, I looked this poor unfortunate as squarely in the eye as one can after six hours of drinking and said
"If you fall asleep now, I 100 percent fucking guarantee that you won't wake up."
He believed me and the drinking continued. Mission accomplished.
Another tricky time is when groups of people with only 1 friend in common meet. These tribes can be of surprisingly different worldviews. Myself and SB were once tasked with distracting our friend DW whilst preparations were made for his surprise birthday party. The natural way to do this was to retire for a few celebratory drinks in our local. DW also brought along one of his presents for show and tell - a swiss army knife cunningly hidden in a credit card.
Discussion quickly turned to how sharp said knife was. Three hours later when we returned (a little later than expected) to the party the other guests were in for something of a shock. The "other" friends, really comprising of "colleagues" jumped out to see me, DW and SB all swaying slightly, myself with blood running fairly freely down my arm.
Myself and SB were in good form at this point. After explaining to various people that SB had cut my arm, I proceeded to detail just how pissed off with him I was, as he had spilt my pint, leading to a brief knife fight. At this moment SB decided to wave a two pronged barbeque fork in my face and I grabbed a kitchen knife as we squared up to each other. The other guests' expressions revealed they didn't quite get the "joke". When someone bravely intervened, SB decided the time for explanations had arrived - "It's OK. We always do this."
However, my greatest behaviour when meeting new people happened one night in town. Myself, SB and KP were well into our drinking when we bumped (likely literally) into a young couple, Sibs and Nips.
After a few hours chatting with this couple nothing really unusual had happened. KP was extremely fucked up, however and SB decided to take him home. I had other priorities and decided to stay. Yes, a couple of hours after meeting my "new friends" I decided to remain, effectively alone, so that I could drink further.
Within half an hour the inevitable unpleasantness occurred. Nips (the female of the couple) decided to visit the toilet. As she left, I bent over, and in full view of Sibs (obviously, the male), took a deep sniff of the stool she had recently vacated. Needless to say, this action took some explaining.
I can't remember what I claimed I was doing, but surprisingly managed to talk the situation out, without any serious consequence. Indeed, when I saw the pair again a few weeks later they approached me to drink with them. I had no idea who they were, of course, but they remembered me. Suffice to say, I made a lasting impression.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
8:57 pm
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