Rambling Diatribe 2

PO'P NOTE: First posted at www.ihateyoubecause.com. That will be all.

As Saddam Hussein is quietly beaten into a pulpy mess of towel and evil-dictator-mush, we (by which, I mean the U.K. media) begins a desperate search for another bogeyman to batter its citizens with. Iran made a brief appearance, in the role of Saddam II (can someone please explain to me why only Britain, America and a few others are allowed to have nukes? PeterOPhile@Gmail.com), but a group of fiends much more terrible than could ever have been imagined trumps them, leaping up and grasping our once beautiful free world firmly in their beady gaze.

I can hear them now, plotting outside my window. When will their reign of terror start? Today? In two days time? Yesterday? Who knows.

But I do know this for sure, the birds are evil bringers of the apocalypse. And they’re bringing it right to your doorstep. Or chimney. They will swoop down upon us and flap their foul wings at us before coughing in our faces until the human race is enslaved…by death.

In more rational moments though, I can only wonder how bird flu arriving on our shores is a surprise to anyone who doesn’t read The Sun.

Stop press: birds can fucking fly! They don’t need a bird passport, bird ID card and have to hand in their bird nail scissors at customs, they can just hop into the air and pop over here. No really, they can, Mr Sun Reader.

Frankly, I’m quite looking forward to it. I can already see the sun readers of this country on the verge of hysteria. People watching is far more fun than bird watching, especially given that most birds are a) cleverer than the average sun reader, and b) shortly to be dead. I can imagine it now:

“Is…that…is that…an emu in that tree? Is…it’s heading this way. AAAAARGH! It looked at me! Take me to A&E right this instant!”
“No, that’s just a carrier bag stuck in the branches. Shut the fuck up and put some fresh plasters on your knuckles.”

You don’t see carrier bags in trees anymore – The Sun is right about one thing, the country is going to the dogs. Except obviously, they blame the Muslims, when in reality it’s ASDA’s fault for making such shitty cheap carriers.

Why is it called bird flu, anyway? Would a week in bed with a hot water bottle and lemsip sort the poor little bastards out? Do older birds get a free jab on the NHS? I don’t know, it seems a little odd to me.

Speaking of flying, I have to do it the hard way in a few weeks time. Sadly, I won’t be soaring free as a (non-dying) eagle, I’ll be crammed onto some EasyAir piece of shit flight to Budapest (which I notice is, rather inconsiderately about to turn into Atlantis).

I hate flying. I hate the noisy kids, I hate the shitty food and tiny beers. I hate the miniscule space you’re crammed into (maybe they think we’re all two foot tall). I hate the foul air and the fact that you can’t smoke within 200 miles of an aeroplane but you can get on the fucker six months after you last washed. I hate that you can’t point out to security guards when they’re being inbred retard jobsworth cunts (approx 97% of the time) without ending up walking like John Wayne. I hate them losing your bags, opening your bags and jerking off on your only pair of clean boxers and stealing your teabags. I hate it when it takes four hours to get your bags off a plane you can see sitting 200 yards away the one time when they don’t lose them. I hate literally everything about flying, except getting home from the whole ordeal.

But what I am not, is scared of flying. I refuse to be. Planes are so ridiculously safe nowadays that they are terribly boring. In fact, you’re 812% more likely to be killed by the jobsworth dipshit wanker of a security inspector with your own corkscrew than die on the plane itself. That’s true, that is.

So why is it, that as the jets power up for takeoff, the primitive monkey brain starts to make an appearance.

“Aaaaargh fuck shit cunt fuck fuck pissy whore fuck AIDS dildo shitrape what the fucking shit fucking hell is happening? I can’t fly, I’m a fucking monkey. Help me the fuck off this fucking thing!”
“No, calm down. Only 0.007% of planes crash. You fought off the security guard with the pencil sharpener, you’re home free. Be calm, primitive monkey brain.”
“Fuck shit wanking cunt bollocks I can’t fly. I’m a ground monkey. Jesus we’re in the fucking air fuck arse penile leakage eeeek eeeek eeeeeeek!”

And the next thing you know, you’re waving your banana in an “aggressive manner” and throwing faeces around.

Sadly, the judge didn’t accept that explanation either, which is why I can never fly Lufthansa again. Maybe next time, I’ll claim I caught bird flu from a McChicken sandwich and hope that he’s a sun reader.