Strangebuys

A popular hobby of mine is buying strange items and watching the checkout monkey's reaction to my purchases. Wait, it's not a hobby, I just have a strange existence and often end up well outside the realms of buying a trolley full of ready meals and twenty mars bars.

I've kept track of some of the stranger sets of items I've bought over the years and decided to list them for your entertainment. Frankly, it worries even me. These shopping trips occurred due to seemingly normal circumstances and at the time, seemed perfectly reasonable but to an impartial observer, it probably doesn't look good.

• 100 black bin bags and a bottle of good champagne (get drunk and get burying, fool).
• One 9" kitchen knife, An empty squirt bottle and 3 bottles of Red Bull (The Saturday Night).
• 3 bottles red bull, 1 bottle vodka, 1 pair yellow rubber gloves (The Fight Club).
• One bottle of cheap champagne after the London bombings. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/uk/2005/london_explosions/default.stm). Whilst queuing for this I thought it would be amusing to mutter "durka durka jihad mohammed" occasionally. I was right.
• 12 tubs of baby food, 10 pot noodle type snacks and 20 Marlboro reds (The Chav) The baby food was not for Peter, just so's you know.
• 2 packets of laxatives, 2 bottles of Red Bull, one large packet of toilet roll (The Friday Night).

As a side note, I would recommend against taking twice the suggested dosage of laxatives the day before you have to go to work as it seems to delay the effects somewhat. I'd forgotten all about taking them at around lunchtime one day, when the scat explosion took hold of me. This resulted in my having 8 fully formed, bowel bursting turd explosions within the space of around three hours, whilst my colleagues wondered what the fuck was going on. On second thoughts, I fully recommend this approach.

As another aside, visit the BBC tribute to those killed in the London bombings and try to pick out the ones you'd fuck if they were alive (or just intact). It makes me feel a strange kind of tingle deep inside my cold dead soul.