Rambling Diatribe 6:
FW: FW: FW: RE: FW: RE:Paedophile's Rock!!!!
Let's start simple, or at least, with the simple...
Well thanks for that fucking advice, it could be improved though. How about:
Cost per email of the 13 word signature (assumes email sent during peak hours, not off peak when there is juice to spare anyway) (in standard tree-fucker units, CO2s) = 0.0005 CO2s.
Cost of all the people in the world who actually print emails, or have ever printed all their emails, printing all their emails = 0.0000 CO2s*.
That's right; you're fucking up the environment with your lovely little bit of patronising cock. I for one salute you. And by "salute you", I mean I just printed out a ream of emails.
Did I need to print them? No.
Did I need to piss all over them? No.
Did I need to set fire to them in the back garden? No.
Did I need to leave them out there for a week so that a family of hedgehogs camped underneath? No.
Did it make me feel pretty fucking good? Yes.
Did I eat the hedgehogs afterwards? Sort of.
There's a pretty specific level of intelligence required to be able to spot that printing emails would harm trees, yet fail to realise that nobody ever does that anyway. In IQs (a fairly scientific term when compared to CO2s), you score a 4. Which is the same as two old socks.
Coincidentally, this is also the maximum level that can allow one to hold down a tough job in today's modern office as a Forwarder. Before the invention of the internet by Al Gore (better known for inventing Global Warming), these people used to be sited in HR departments, toiling day and...well...until 5pm sharp at making sure no work actually got done, anywhere, ever. But no more. With the popularity of email for work as well as sending stupid fucking pictures of cats which can talk Pidgin for no obvious reason, these hideous, terrible drains on everything good in the world can branch out into preventing work being done...as Forwarders.
The nature of my work puts me into contact with these things on an all too regular basis. My favourite sport is to look down the email chain and pick out the end recipient of the emails and send directly to them, CCing the ForwardBot on the message. This sends them into a loop where they cannot work out who to Forward on to and their vaginas explode (both sexes of Forwarders have vaginas) in a blur of ice, snow and stupid.
There really can't be that many jobs in the world that could be made redundant by changing the To field on an email. Back to HR and fucking up Satan's payslips for you, I say.
*There are a number of people in existence** who would happily print all their emails. Oddly, they either don't know how to work email or they don't get any.
** For now, that is.
Well thanks for that fucking advice, it could be improved though. How about:
Cost per email of the 13 word signature (assumes email sent during peak hours, not off peak when there is juice to spare anyway) (in standard tree-fucker units, CO2s) = 0.0005 CO2s.
Cost of all the people in the world who actually print emails, or have ever printed all their emails, printing all their emails = 0.0000 CO2s*.
That's right; you're fucking up the environment with your lovely little bit of patronising cock. I for one salute you. And by "salute you", I mean I just printed out a ream of emails.
Did I need to print them? No.
Did I need to piss all over them? No.
Did I need to set fire to them in the back garden? No.
Did I need to leave them out there for a week so that a family of hedgehogs camped underneath? No.
Did it make me feel pretty fucking good? Yes.
Did I eat the hedgehogs afterwards? Sort of.
There's a pretty specific level of intelligence required to be able to spot that printing emails would harm trees, yet fail to realise that nobody ever does that anyway. In IQs (a fairly scientific term when compared to CO2s), you score a 4. Which is the same as two old socks.
Coincidentally, this is also the maximum level that can allow one to hold down a tough job in today's modern office as a Forwarder. Before the invention of the internet by Al Gore (better known for inventing Global Warming), these people used to be sited in HR departments, toiling day and...well...until 5pm sharp at making sure no work actually got done, anywhere, ever. But no more. With the popularity of email for work as well as sending stupid fucking pictures of cats which can talk Pidgin for no obvious reason, these hideous, terrible drains on everything good in the world can branch out into preventing work being done...as Forwarders.
- Can you CC up to ten people on an email, using only your fingers and a computer?
- Do you have the kind of mindset that could abbreviate the word "await" to "a/w", having used it so frequently that writing five letters becomes tedious?
- Could you insist on communications between people passing through you and only through you, no matter what the inconvenience to all concerned?
- And would you then bravely not pass on these communications for hours on end, instead waiting for the optimum moment to send on vital information, finger hovering, poised above the send button like an eagle filled with idiocy instead of blood?
- Can you copy and paste?
- Would you be able to add "further information from X", or "further questions from Y" to a missive?
- But swap the X and Y for names and/or company names?
- Unless there are people called X and Y, in which case don't worry.
- Are you a complete fucking waste of space, shit-city, clown-shoe cunt?
The nature of my work puts me into contact with these things on an all too regular basis. My favourite sport is to look down the email chain and pick out the end recipient of the emails and send directly to them, CCing the ForwardBot on the message. This sends them into a loop where they cannot work out who to Forward on to and their vaginas explode (both sexes of Forwarders have vaginas) in a blur of ice, snow and stupid.
There really can't be that many jobs in the world that could be made redundant by changing the To field on an email. Back to HR and fucking up Satan's payslips for you, I say.
*There are a number of people in existence** who would happily print all their emails. Oddly, they either don't know how to work email or they don't get any.
** For now, that is.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
3:49 pm
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