Altruism 1 - Getting Some

Have you ever woken up in bed with a big bowl of custard next to you and 12 midgets crammed into a sleeping bag in the corner?

No, me neither. But now I've got your attention, I've noticed that something important needs to be discussed. I've had literally no emails on this subject and now it's time to share my tips for getting your tip...into chicks.

Why? Because it seems to me that the world is full of cunts acting like dicks who need to empty their balls. Time to get the world laid, maybe then I won't want to kill quite so many people. Maybe.

Spread a little happiness, cheer some fucks the fuck up with a little hard fucking. So let's get to the fucking point before my f key breaks, shall we?

NEW MAN / METROSEXUAL / FAGGERY

Nothing tells a woman that you're a heterosexual male on the prowl for loving quite so much as dressing like a homo. Seriously, chicks dig guys who act like women.

Put a little concealer on, wear pink, shave your legs and get a manbag. Ok, you'll only pull lesbians and they're going to be pretty pissed when you get them home and whip out Mr. Winky then slap them round the face with it, but hey, that's their fault for being evil sexist bitches, right?

WORK IT OUT, WORK IT IN

Those hormonal split arses are genetically programmed to go for guys who look like they've eaten a tortoise. It's something to do with providing breast milk, I don't quite get the maths, but it's 100% true.

So work out, work up a sweat and get St. Peter baptised. And if that doesn't work, you'll be stronger than them anyway. Remember, the steroids are grounds for diminished responsibility. I hope.

Also, since sweat is just diluted piss and sweat is what gets the girl, I recommend you piss all over the tracksuit. I fucking hate tracksuits, they are for cunts.

GET RICH, STUPID

Nothing can get a purchase on a woman's love like an 8" thick wallet. Buy the drinks, buy the bar, buy her shiny things. And before you know it, you'll be eating ham sandwiches out of her cleavage. I hear that's what you like anyway, you sick fuck.

Remember this simple rule; pence get piss, pounds get pussy. You won't go far wrong.

FAST CARS

People write this point off as stupid, but there is nothing a fine-ass, high-titted filly likes better than being ridden hard around town in a sporty little number. Cruise along with your doors unlocked and it's guaranteed that some hot, horny piece of whoopdiggery will hop in and be sucking the chrome off your gearstick within minutes. Best to buy a new one sharpish, those things rust. Or maybe you'll just get carjacked, whatever.


Failing this, get a piece of shit car and stick bits of plastic all over it - remember that girls don't know shit about cars.

THE PACK RULE
It's a well known fact that goth chicks only sleep with goths, skaters only sleep with skaters and emos only sleep with emus. It's Actually, I have no idea what an emo is, I just wanted to look hip. And I don't know what hip means either, except that my dad had a plastic one...but I digress. The pack that sleeps together stays together - basic hunter/gatherer psychology.

The best option is to work out a rota of outfits and worldviews, then tweak your look each day. Et voila, 7 days of weirdo pussy, week in, week out:


So by now, you're beating birds off with a shitty stick, or they're beating your shitty stick off. And if not, give up. Either jerk off our just kill yourself.

Everyone is so "taboo" about jerking off and suicide. Hell, even monkeys do it. All of you grow up, grow some balls and get whacking (either yourself or off, it doesn't make a fucking difference to me).

With Love (Hopefully),
Peter.