God Takes Another Shot
PO'P NOTE: This one ain't for the fainthearted. And you know that I don't normally put warnings like that on my stuff...Ok?
I just busted out of hospital. Which sounds cool, except for the fact that I was walking like an old man, half covered in puke and sweating like a child molester let loose in the paediatrics ward of a hospital. And I didn't bust out, they "asked me to leave".
Apparently, it is still possible after all these years of evolution to tear one's duodenum. Thanks for that piece of intelligent design, God. You fucker.
Also apparently, consuming nothing all day but around 20 Aspirin and a bottle of Red Bull will make the problem worse, so that after two nights of shitting out jet black diarrhoea and puking up some of the same, it is clearly time to put oneself at the mercy of The Quacks.
Who promptly put a drip in your arm and then forget all about you, so that the blood they are trying to replace runs back up the tube. Fuckers. They will then follow this up by giving you an endoscopy. Double fuckers.
Now, people will try to tell you that an endoscopy is fun. Hell, it used to be a ride at Alton Towers if I remember rightly. Let me tell you now, they are lying cunts. Every one of them.
Basically, they put you on your side, hold you down and put a mouthpiece in (your mouth). "Fuck, I call that Saturday night", you're probably all thinking. Well next, they get a piece of black tubing about 1cm in diameter and stuff it down your throat like a fucking snake wrestler. As it approaches, it looks like they are slowly jamming a disco ball into you as the coloured optic fibre wobbles about just in front of your eyes.
Then you start retching uncontrollably. Of course, they've forgotten to give you a gown, or you told them you wouldn't wear one because you weren't a faggot, or something like that, so you puke all over your arms and chest, constantly, for about five minutes. I now have a slight amount of respect for women and a very sore throat. I have also used my entire year's allocation of the word "cunt" and will have to borrow some from someone else.
Eventually they gave me some pills and lectures on a variety of topics, pronounced me fit to fight another day and threw me out. But not before I'd made some important observations:
Hospitals Are Pussies
They never once told me to do anything. It was all please Mr. O'Phile, thanks Mr. O'Phile. I was not supposed to eat for six hours before the endoscopy but they said if I demanded food, they would bring me some. They asked permission to put a drip in me. They asked if they could take my blood pressure and would have been fine with my refusal. They even asked for permission to look at my shit, should I decide to take one (sadly I couldn't help them here, much as I wanted to).
If I was feeling better, I would have been pretty contemptuous of their wimpy attitude. They own the fucking shop, they are the experts, they should be calling the shots. My way, or the fucking highway, shitbag. I know that's how I would be in the same situation.
Take The Gown
Ok, your ass will hang of it out for reasons you will never fathom (why do they need emergency ass access?). But, as you will all know, puke and blood both stain clothing irreparably. Not to mention the complaints when you get back to work still wearing the same top. Fucking prudes.
Tarry Shit
Everyone of a certain mindset (probably those still reading) should experience this - once. I even took a photo the first time, it was such an unusual sight (yeah I'm odd, what a fucking surprise). Sadly by the tenth time, the novelty will have worn off and slight concern will be replacing it.
So now I have to take some proton pump inhibitors (which sounds pretty gay), slept for over 16 straight hours yesterday and every muscle in my body is fucked up from fighting the endoscope guy. But I'll recover, then I'll be showing that stomach who's boss. Fucking internal organs thinking they fucking run the shop, going to get what's coming to them. Who's laughing now, small intestines? What's that, you don't like the taste of glass? Fucking wimpy little shits.
I just busted out of hospital. Which sounds cool, except for the fact that I was walking like an old man, half covered in puke and sweating like a child molester let loose in the paediatrics ward of a hospital. And I didn't bust out, they "asked me to leave".
Apparently, it is still possible after all these years of evolution to tear one's duodenum. Thanks for that piece of intelligent design, God. You fucker.
Also apparently, consuming nothing all day but around 20 Aspirin and a bottle of Red Bull will make the problem worse, so that after two nights of shitting out jet black diarrhoea and puking up some of the same, it is clearly time to put oneself at the mercy of The Quacks.
Who promptly put a drip in your arm and then forget all about you, so that the blood they are trying to replace runs back up the tube. Fuckers. They will then follow this up by giving you an endoscopy. Double fuckers.
Now, people will try to tell you that an endoscopy is fun. Hell, it used to be a ride at Alton Towers if I remember rightly. Let me tell you now, they are lying cunts. Every one of them.
Basically, they put you on your side, hold you down and put a mouthpiece in (your mouth). "Fuck, I call that Saturday night", you're probably all thinking. Well next, they get a piece of black tubing about 1cm in diameter and stuff it down your throat like a fucking snake wrestler. As it approaches, it looks like they are slowly jamming a disco ball into you as the coloured optic fibre wobbles about just in front of your eyes.
Then you start retching uncontrollably. Of course, they've forgotten to give you a gown, or you told them you wouldn't wear one because you weren't a faggot, or something like that, so you puke all over your arms and chest, constantly, for about five minutes. I now have a slight amount of respect for women and a very sore throat. I have also used my entire year's allocation of the word "cunt" and will have to borrow some from someone else.
Eventually they gave me some pills and lectures on a variety of topics, pronounced me fit to fight another day and threw me out. But not before I'd made some important observations:
Hospitals Are Pussies
They never once told me to do anything. It was all please Mr. O'Phile, thanks Mr. O'Phile. I was not supposed to eat for six hours before the endoscopy but they said if I demanded food, they would bring me some. They asked permission to put a drip in me. They asked if they could take my blood pressure and would have been fine with my refusal. They even asked for permission to look at my shit, should I decide to take one (sadly I couldn't help them here, much as I wanted to).
If I was feeling better, I would have been pretty contemptuous of their wimpy attitude. They own the fucking shop, they are the experts, they should be calling the shots. My way, or the fucking highway, shitbag. I know that's how I would be in the same situation.
Take The Gown
Ok, your ass will hang of it out for reasons you will never fathom (why do they need emergency ass access?). But, as you will all know, puke and blood both stain clothing irreparably. Not to mention the complaints when you get back to work still wearing the same top. Fucking prudes.
Tarry Shit
Everyone of a certain mindset (probably those still reading) should experience this - once. I even took a photo the first time, it was such an unusual sight (yeah I'm odd, what a fucking surprise). Sadly by the tenth time, the novelty will have worn off and slight concern will be replacing it.
So now I have to take some proton pump inhibitors (which sounds pretty gay), slept for over 16 straight hours yesterday and every muscle in my body is fucked up from fighting the endoscope guy. But I'll recover, then I'll be showing that stomach who's boss. Fucking internal organs thinking they fucking run the shop, going to get what's coming to them. Who's laughing now, small intestines? What's that, you don't like the taste of glass? Fucking wimpy little shits.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
7:21 pm
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