Attention Car Companies: Try Harder

It's high time someone took a stand against the idiotic fucking names car companies are giving their shitbox piece of crap cars nowadays. I can accept the poor, bland styling, safety-first handling, and mediocre performance they seem to think everyone on this planet wants. Accept, but not be happy about, of course.

However, when they then force me to ride in a car with a name so stupid I want to kill myself with a teaspoon just thinking about the process involved, I draw the line. Really, all it takes is a little thought guys. Look at your car. If it's a small box, call it the Smallbox, or Shitcrap - you get the idea.

The Fiat "Panda"

Don't arbitrarily call your car a panda unless it actually bears a resemblance to the white and black bear like mammal which held the name first:

A Fiat "Panda", Dim Sum.

Does your car look like a fucking panda? Come on, Sim-Sim, mate to save your species...Oh, ok, fuck you then. It's a car's exhaust you're trying to force your confused panda cock into anyway.

The Honda "Jazz"

To be perfectly honest, it's highly unlikely that your car has anything at all in common with a form of music typified by a strong but flexible rhythmic understructure, including solo and ensemble improvisations on basic tunes and chord patterns. SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL YOUR CAR A JAZZ? Unless, of course you meant the colloquialism of Jazz - e.g. Love Juice, Spunk, Cum, White Sticky Water. In which case, I apologise as your car does actually look like a pile of wank.

Oh yeah, nice. The Honda "Jazz".

The Mitsubishi "Colt"

A colt is a young fucking horse, you retarded bastards. A young fucking horse. What does a big box made of metal, rubber and selotape have to do with horses? Nothing, you say? Well then please explain this titular travesty:

The Mitsubishi "Colt" prepares to take its first jump.

The Ford "Escort"

How about a car that spent last night lying on it's back getting fucked for money? Well, the Ford Escort will be right up your street, Sir. She'll take you where you want to go and suck you dry as she does it. Mind your wallet though, else you'll wake up in a bath full of ice, missing two kidneys and your credit cards.

The Ford "Escort". Stupid Fucking Name.

The Seat "Ibiza"

What I'm really looking for in a car, though, is the ability to party non-stop for six months of the year, sleep with anonymous drunk strangers and return to England with Herpes. My dream car should also be situated in the Balearic Islands, preferably somewhere west of Majorca.

The Seat "Ibiza". Knows how to party.

It is genuinely disturbing how little choice you have left available to you if you rule out cars on the (not unreasonable) basis of them having stupid names. Come on, Subaru, bring out the "FuckingAwesome". When's the new Vauxhall "KickAssAndFastAsFuck" due? Why, why, why won't Ford answer my letters about their "GrannyRapeKiddyKiller" concept car?

The decision I have come to, as I am sure many others will in due time, is that until automobile nomenclature takes a turn for the better, I'll just have to stick with my trusty old Toyota Picnic.

Oh, and by the way ladies, I fuck almost as well as I photoshop. Contact me via PeterOPhile@Gmail.com.