A Depraved Man's Guide: Budapest
Weather / Accommodation
It may be very fucking hot. If, like me, you are unable to sleep (or particularly move) in hot weather, a crude but cooling bed can be fashioned by laying a towel down on the floor of a shower and rolling another towel into a pillow. Try to remember to turn the water off before the sweet embrace of sleep, otherwise when you wake up three hours later, you will be surprised not to have drowned. If you wake up at all.
Further to this, most hotel rooms have air-conditioning, even in the ex-communist peasantry. When you notice the air-conditioner high up on the wall, do not assume that the front panel will switch it on, even though a tall cupboard is required to gain access. There will be a remote control and the damage from the fall will hurt when you sober up.
Flower beds are much less comfortable to sleep in than they may at first appear, due to their evil Stalinist roots, which will poke you maliciously in the back.
Entertainment
Strippers
Strippers are not sexy. People who think that a woman removing all her clothes and then attempting to remove yours and those of the 10 other watching males before dancing on your lap in front of them is a desirable experience are all very fucking odd people.
Normal people like me find the whole experience embarrassing and strange. It did appear that I was the only normal person in our group, and that there is a general shortage of normal people in this world. I don't get it, I never will. Fucking weirdos.
As usual, pointing this out may lead to you being called gay, despite the fact that the man-titty to good-titty ratio is around 1/10. It should go without saying that the penis to penis-holder ratio is even lower if you have made poor decisions in booking the dancer.
Guns
The Walther PPK is a girly piece of shit and seemed to consistently shoot low and left. The Sig Sauer SP2022 however, is a fantastic gun and will enable the skilled amateur to kill more or less anything he or she may want to. The Colt .357 is equally capable but may also kill a few things you didn't intend to, probably from catastrophic bowel failure.
Beer
Beer is cheap, take the opportunity to drink as much as is humanly possible while you can. Nothing more needs to be said on this subject.
Culture / Outlook
Smoking is not only allowed everywhere, it seems mandatory. Sadly the trend of wimping out and jumping aboard the cotton-wool nanny bus can only be biding its feeble time. I admire Budapest for its liberal stance but I know that someday I will have to mourn its passing.
A similar story can be told of handguns. No civilised nation considers its citizens such lunatics as to be unable to responsibly shoot the occasional round at a wall covered in targets rather than a bus full of schoolchildren. Sadly the world seems to be heading in a less civilised direction of late and I am sure that handguns will shortly be joining the smokers and dinosaurs in extinction.
Most Budapestians speak passable English. Try not to piss of the entire country by mentioning the cold war at every opportunity and mumbling about getting more beers for the motherland. Asking guides if they know where "all the tanks are hidden" is also considered a faux-pas. Fuck knows why HSBC didn't mention that little titbit in their stupid fucking adverts.
In all, Budapest was less of a shitfest than I had expected. Looking back, this is mostly because I was allowed to shoot guns and smoke without worry, instead opting to relax in an environment of doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I can only hope that the laissez-faire lifestyle hidden behind the iron curtain can stay in place for another 1000 years - Britain and its jumped up comptrollers can burn in shit for all I care.
It may be very fucking hot. If, like me, you are unable to sleep (or particularly move) in hot weather, a crude but cooling bed can be fashioned by laying a towel down on the floor of a shower and rolling another towel into a pillow. Try to remember to turn the water off before the sweet embrace of sleep, otherwise when you wake up three hours later, you will be surprised not to have drowned. If you wake up at all.
Further to this, most hotel rooms have air-conditioning, even in the ex-communist peasantry. When you notice the air-conditioner high up on the wall, do not assume that the front panel will switch it on, even though a tall cupboard is required to gain access. There will be a remote control and the damage from the fall will hurt when you sober up.
Flower beds are much less comfortable to sleep in than they may at first appear, due to their evil Stalinist roots, which will poke you maliciously in the back.
Entertainment
Strippers
Strippers are not sexy. People who think that a woman removing all her clothes and then attempting to remove yours and those of the 10 other watching males before dancing on your lap in front of them is a desirable experience are all very fucking odd people.
Normal people like me find the whole experience embarrassing and strange. It did appear that I was the only normal person in our group, and that there is a general shortage of normal people in this world. I don't get it, I never will. Fucking weirdos.
As usual, pointing this out may lead to you being called gay, despite the fact that the man-titty to good-titty ratio is around 1/10. It should go without saying that the penis to penis-holder ratio is even lower if you have made poor decisions in booking the dancer.
Guns
The Walther PPK is a girly piece of shit and seemed to consistently shoot low and left. The Sig Sauer SP2022 however, is a fantastic gun and will enable the skilled amateur to kill more or less anything he or she may want to. The Colt .357 is equally capable but may also kill a few things you didn't intend to, probably from catastrophic bowel failure.
Beer
Beer is cheap, take the opportunity to drink as much as is humanly possible while you can. Nothing more needs to be said on this subject.
Culture / Outlook
Smoking is not only allowed everywhere, it seems mandatory. Sadly the trend of wimping out and jumping aboard the cotton-wool nanny bus can only be biding its feeble time. I admire Budapest for its liberal stance but I know that someday I will have to mourn its passing.
A similar story can be told of handguns. No civilised nation considers its citizens such lunatics as to be unable to responsibly shoot the occasional round at a wall covered in targets rather than a bus full of schoolchildren. Sadly the world seems to be heading in a less civilised direction of late and I am sure that handguns will shortly be joining the smokers and dinosaurs in extinction.
Most Budapestians speak passable English. Try not to piss of the entire country by mentioning the cold war at every opportunity and mumbling about getting more beers for the motherland. Asking guides if they know where "all the tanks are hidden" is also considered a faux-pas. Fuck knows why HSBC didn't mention that little titbit in their stupid fucking adverts.
In all, Budapest was less of a shitfest than I had expected. Looking back, this is mostly because I was allowed to shoot guns and smoke without worry, instead opting to relax in an environment of doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I can only hope that the laissez-faire lifestyle hidden behind the iron curtain can stay in place for another 1000 years - Britain and its jumped up comptrollers can burn in shit for all I care.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
6:24 pm
2 Comments:
thankyou SB for telling this website to all or your year 11 science group which is like 30 people :D:D
p.s tell SB shame that like 6 people spat in his tea when we wher in his class
By
Anonymous, at 3:54 pm
SB doesn't know who the fuck you are but he already knew about the tea-spitting - why do you think he left the room so often?
By
Peter O'Phile, at 2:44 pm
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