A Sane Man's Product Review:Watt's On! Watts-On! What's'On'Oh fuck it

That...thing, is called a Wattson. I hope that you haven't heard of it and I can now ruin your day before running off into the night wearing only a sheep. It monitors electricity usage.

Want a link to find out more? Here you go you lazy fuck:
http://www.google.co.uk

I have a few comments. You might like to take a seat, there's some maths involved. Let's start with the obvious.

How To Recreate Wattson's Monitor Function In Three Easy Steps, Using Simple Household Items Only:

• Look at electricity meter.
• Allow time to pass.
• Look at electricity meter.

I'm recommending that the time taken over stage two should be around 65 years. Don't rush it, and don't go anywhere while the reading's going on, you'll fuck up the gamma correction.

How To Save More Money Than Wattson Costs:

• Don't buy Wattson
• Switch on light-bulb for 1.5 years.
  
• Switch off light bulb
• Alternatively, don't use a washing machine for 15 years**.
  

Yes, that's right. Running a light bulb constantly for 1.7 years* would cost you around £150. As would buying this piece of shit. Also the risk of a light bulb catching fire and burning your house down is minimal compared to my coming round and setting your baby alight if you own a Wattson.

Note that I ignored the fact that Wattson already has lights inside and so didn't have to calculate the cost of running the bastard thing. Also it avoided my head melting of internal rage.

How To Save More Environment Than By Using Wattson:

• Don't Buy Wattson
• Don't Buy Batteries For Wattson
• Wait. Batteries?

Yes, that's right. Batteries. In a device intended to help save the environment. I have nothing more to say on this matter. It also appears to be made from plastic, so it will be around long after the manganese and mercury run out.

How To Have More Fun Than By Using Wattson:

• Eat razor blades
• Start a fight in a convent
• Hunt down the idiots below and beat them to death with vegetarian shoes

http://www.ecolocal.com/uk/home_life/show/wattson http://www.newconsumer.com/news/item/wonderful_wattson_smart_meter_to_debut_at_150

I can't even comment on how dull watching that fucking thing must be. I'd rather watch myself get eaten from the inside out by a rat. Even bearing in mind that you can't even see anything at all for the first twenty minutes of agonising rat-pain.

So in summary, an idea that should have ended in a game of russian roulette, spawned by a company that should have been run by Northern Rock, bought by people who should be used to run my car.

I give it two cocks up.





* Wattson/Light Bulb Maths:
Electricity @ 10p per kWh
Price = £150.00
Price = 1500 kWh

Light bulb @ 100W
1500 kWh => 15000 h
15000 h = 625 days

*Wattson/Washing Machine Maths:
Average 1.5kWh per cycle
1000 cycles
1 cycle per week
18 years