Things 1

PO'P NOTE: blah blah blah new blogger blah cunt blah blah. I'm not sure how many more of these I can be bothered to do and there's more pressing matters to hand.


Things People Hate But Shouldn't 1.

Hatred is a beautiful thing, anger the most truthful of emotions (there are those who will claim it is love. I wish them and their fucking lentils all the best together).

However, wasted ire is an offence to everything I hold dear. The outpourings of the common man, devoid of forethought, simply snarling at those who he has been told to nothing more than a chained rotweiller barking in the night.

People get it wrong on an astoundingly regular basis. This series will try to right some of these wrongs and get us all back on track. So let's get the ball rolling with...

Mobile Phones Whilst Driving

The government and police decided to nanny us along a little and ban this, the prelude to which involved convincing the general public that it was a huge danger to anyone within 20 miles of the ignorant bastard doing this. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

I hear people moan about this and I shudder inside. Have these people never thought about the issue? Is driving whilst on the phone dangerous? Yes. Dangerous enough to become the vehicular equivalent of paedophilia? Car Kiddy Fiddling? No.

I was listening to Radio 4 a few days ago when I went into a deep trance during This Sceptered Isle. When I came to, I had driven into a bus-stop full of children, the noise I had been dimly aware of was their little bodies bouncing off my bodywork (quite badly dented as it happens). The police claimed I had been driving on the pavement for 53 miles and that I didn't even have the radio on. I guess that's an issue for the courts to decide.

I've dropped a lit cigarette on the back-seat of my car before. Try telling me that mobile phones are a dangerous distraction and I'll wave some shiny tin-foil in front of you before scouring your pockets for change whilst you stand, captured in childlike (read retarded) wonder.

I've even had arguing kids in there, shouting and cunting around (as kids will until you teach them who's boss by yanking on the handbrake and bouncing through a field at 90mph). Thank fuck I didn't get a call on my mobile at that point, otherwise I would have been putting them and myself at a frankly insane level of risk.

A highly valid thing to bitch about would be mobile phones - what a fucking abomination, but don't worry anyway - these mobile users will all be dead of head-canceritis sufferers within the next four days anyway. Or will they?

Mobile Phone Brain Bubbles

Let me start this complicated scientific explanation by stating that...bollocks. You dimwitted fuckers! How the fucking shit do you think a mobile phone is going to cook your head, when a microwave (bit bigger, isn't it) can't even cook your fucking dinner? Have you ever microwaved a tin of soup? Have you ever microwaved anything? Try it with a phone then, but I'd use it to call out for a curry first else you'll end up chewing your lips off.

You fucking idiots. I hope all those who hold their phones away from their heads and stick those fucking retarded signal improving jobbies on get beheaded by a passing Muslim. That'll fucking learn them to think before they panic. By all rights, most of Britain should have died of CJD ten years ago, Global Warming two years ago and Bird Flu last week. Strange that they didn't, isn't it?

Of course the hideous idea of CJD not being utter bullshit does occur. Can you imagine a country left with only lentil eaters and sandal-wearers left to rebuild it? Holy fuck, it would be bad enough to make me take a swim off Blackpool beach, where the water (as everyone knows) is composed entirely of raw sewage. Hmmm, hang on a minute...