Whose House? The Bank's House! (Part 2)
Well, where were we? Oh yes, I remember. Bananas: how gay is it gay to eat one? No wait, that's not right...
You've picked the house of your dreams and stolen enough money to buy it. Now brace yourself for some hideous negotiations with the seller that neither of you can really be bothered with. Would just putting the house on the market at the price you want to get for it be such a difficult concept? One estate agent told me specifically to knock 10% off the asking price...because they'd added the same* amount when they put the place on the market.
Yeah...there's something not quite right with that little system you've got there, Tom. Why don't we all stop fucking around, see if we can't get on with our lives instead of playing your little bid-up-bid-down game? You'll even save money on calculators, or evil abacuses, whatever it is you things use. Here's a little sum I did earlier. A £500 difference from £200'000? Not a percentage to be arguing over.
Joining the queue for me to line up against the wall come the time of reckoning are the mortgage bastards. I'm paying you, roughly, the price of the house to lend me some money. Ok, I can deal with that. Just about.
Would I like to pay the £750 application fee now, or later? Let's see, how about you pay the fucking fee out of the huge amount of cash you'll be making out of me? Don't fancy that? Well me neither, Howard.
I told the phone robot that I wouldn't pay if the application wasn't successful.
"Oh no, the fee is only payable if the application goes through ok."
It's not an "application fee" then, is it? It's more of a "bullshit tacked on because everybody does it so we can get away with it fee". Let's be honest here, just call it a "Customer Rape Charge". Or a "We Fucking Hate You, You Scrounging Loser Bastard Correction".
Now, who else can make this process any more hellish? There can't be many badly fitting pieces of jigsaw left, surely?
Well, just to round things off, we have the current occupiers, who are determined to piss me off to the point that I nail-bomb my own house while they sleep in it.
Do I want to buy the oven for £150. Now, I don't tend to notice much in these respects, but here's a quick summary:
Overall kitchen colour scheme and contents - white**.
Overall cooker colour scheme - black.
Price of a brand new equivalent cooker (in white or camp stainless steel) - £150.
I don't want the cooker. Do I want to buy the curtains? Well, unless you've bought exactly the same house somewhere else, they aren't going to fit, you fucking cretins. Why don't you act like sane people and leave the curtains where they are? And keep your greedy eyes off those floorboards while you're ripping up bits of lino to glue back together in the kitchen at your lovely new place.
My suggestion to enquire if they were leaving the kitchen sink or if I'd need to buy it got vetoed. With hindsight, it's for the best because it would probably backfire. Fortunately I have their forwarding address and a shedload of sulphuric acid (don't ask) sitting around just waiting for the right moment.
Oh, and if they don't take the cooker with them, I'll try and charge them for its disposal. It's the small victories that keep me from hating humans.
*Cynical bastards like myself would suspect "more".
**The actual colour is probably known as "pale inca sunrise", "felatio cream", "mottled war criminal hiding out in argentina's socks", or something like that in reality, but to my "uneducated" eyes, it's white.
You've picked the house of your dreams and stolen enough money to buy it. Now brace yourself for some hideous negotiations with the seller that neither of you can really be bothered with. Would just putting the house on the market at the price you want to get for it be such a difficult concept? One estate agent told me specifically to knock 10% off the asking price...because they'd added the same* amount when they put the place on the market.
Yeah...there's something not quite right with that little system you've got there, Tom. Why don't we all stop fucking around, see if we can't get on with our lives instead of playing your little bid-up-bid-down game? You'll even save money on calculators, or evil abacuses, whatever it is you things use. Here's a little sum I did earlier. A £500 difference from £200'000? Not a percentage to be arguing over.
Joining the queue for me to line up against the wall come the time of reckoning are the mortgage bastards. I'm paying you, roughly, the price of the house to lend me some money. Ok, I can deal with that. Just about.
Would I like to pay the £750 application fee now, or later? Let's see, how about you pay the fucking fee out of the huge amount of cash you'll be making out of me? Don't fancy that? Well me neither, Howard.
I told the phone robot that I wouldn't pay if the application wasn't successful.
"Oh no, the fee is only payable if the application goes through ok."
It's not an "application fee" then, is it? It's more of a "bullshit tacked on because everybody does it so we can get away with it fee". Let's be honest here, just call it a "Customer Rape Charge". Or a "We Fucking Hate You, You Scrounging Loser Bastard Correction".
Now, who else can make this process any more hellish? There can't be many badly fitting pieces of jigsaw left, surely?
Well, just to round things off, we have the current occupiers, who are determined to piss me off to the point that I nail-bomb my own house while they sleep in it.
Do I want to buy the oven for £150. Now, I don't tend to notice much in these respects, but here's a quick summary:
Overall kitchen colour scheme and contents - white**.
Overall cooker colour scheme - black.
Price of a brand new equivalent cooker (in white or camp stainless steel) - £150.
I don't want the cooker. Do I want to buy the curtains? Well, unless you've bought exactly the same house somewhere else, they aren't going to fit, you fucking cretins. Why don't you act like sane people and leave the curtains where they are? And keep your greedy eyes off those floorboards while you're ripping up bits of lino to glue back together in the kitchen at your lovely new place.
My suggestion to enquire if they were leaving the kitchen sink or if I'd need to buy it got vetoed. With hindsight, it's for the best because it would probably backfire. Fortunately I have their forwarding address and a shedload of sulphuric acid (don't ask) sitting around just waiting for the right moment.
Oh, and if they don't take the cooker with them, I'll try and charge them for its disposal. It's the small victories that keep me from hating humans.
*Cynical bastards like myself would suspect "more".
**The actual colour is probably known as "pale inca sunrise", "felatio cream", "mottled war criminal hiding out in argentina's socks", or something like that in reality, but to my "uneducated" eyes, it's white.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
5:04 pm
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