Warning: Paris Hilton Is Not "Hot". Yet.

It may come as a surprise, given the plausible reports in the media and the fact that you can spend $39.95 a month subscribing to ParisExposed.com, but it needs to be said. The Paris Hilton hotel is better looking and more interesting to listen to than that melted skeleton thing that somehow keeps getting onto the news and into the internet. And I mean the nasty, run down Arc De Triomphe one, not that shiny new one, too.

Seriously, let's take a look at some pictures...

Desperate Dan square-jaw meets bleached bones in the desert cleavage meet constipated weasel "slutty" eyelids meet Concorde nose meets (hopefully) a 100mph out of control HGV. And eyes are windows to the soul? Those look like one-way glass to me.

Yeah, I don't really need to say anything more. This is just another of those Jade Goody type things that we would be wiser to ignore without comment in future. Either the whole phenomena is one big "you've been framed" style stunt against her, or it's the universe pulling one on all of us. Have a quick check under your bed for Cosmic Jeremy Beadles...Nope, I guess the joke must be her...

Well let's call an end to it before I have to swap her coke for ground up glass and Polonium, or do something I'll regret. Grab that beard in your withered hand and yank it off, fire up the canned laughter and let it slip that her existence was a big joke all along. Ship her back to hell, roll out some worthwhile wank-fodder and let's move on.


I've never wanted to club something so much in my whole life, and I've always been a big fan of clubbing. I'm off to beat the shit out of my lunch, toodles!