The Peter O'Philes

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Trees Will Inherit Us All

This carbon neutral fad has me worried for a couple of reasons. If you've managed to avoid this dimwit shitfestivity, then stop reading now. It'll just piss you off to go any further. Skip to the bottom of the last post, there's a nice picture of a cat to enjoy instead.

Basically, the Ecodunces claim that if you drive you should plant trees and thus save the planet from falling to bits or something. Which is more or less science, a big step for those fuckers in itself.

However, look a bit closer. I know, using facts and maths and things like that, that my car puts out around 3kg of carbon per year, fixed into an aesthetically pleasing arrangement something like this:


A happy little CO2 molecule, sworn enemy of the Greens

For reasons I will never grasp this is wrong of me, so I have to buy a tree to gobble up the nasty little CO2 bugs coming out the back of my low-slung kiddy-killer. Or actually, as the boffins who dropped out of Loughborough University to work for Greenpeace tell me, three trees.

My suspicions were first aroused by the fact that a tree is not really accepted as an SI unit of environmental badness. The SI unit of planet carnage is well known to be the Fudgeguess. So this leaves us in an uncertain area. Do I have to buy a weeping willow, because I really hate those arrogant fuckers? Would one 30'000 foot mega-pine do me for life? What if it accidentally gets planted in the rainforest and McDonalds dig it up to feed genetically modified headless cows five seconds later? It makes no sense, no sense at all.

But this is the least of the issues. You see, the Huggers don't want you to know this, but trees are mankind's sworn enemy (along with the CO2s of course. Can you see a vindictive streak yet?).

Just take a look at last week. Here are some pictures that might help...










At every opportunity, they are leaping from their ample roots onto buildings, cars and people. They fall in front of trains and somehow brought London's underground to a complete standstill last Friday. I know, because it took me six fucking hours to get home. I assume there is some sort of cover-up going on with respect to the underground trees, so fuck only knows what they're up to in our sewers*.

In storms they guide electricity down onto our humble heads, tempting us with shelter then frying us like cockroaches. Their roots push up paving slabs and kill grannies who can't see far enough ahead to avoid the cracks. They "catch" on fire, sweep down and kill entire villages. In the dark they look a bit like big skeletons. They shed their leaves for three months of each year and don't die, leaving us to skid into their hefty bases on the carefully made mulch. And we're feeding innocent CO2s to the bastards!

And what do they do for us? What have The Rooters ever done for us? You can print The Daily Mail on one, if you haven't heard of the internet**. You can make a pretty poor fire if you don't have gas central heating. Keanu Reeves' parents were trees. You can make shoes, a fairly good semi-conductor and goat's cheese with a properly prepared tree.

No wait, the list ended a sentence earlier back there. Paper, fire and The Matrix, that's it.

Fuck the trees, I say. Let us worship the noble woodpecker and load up the biological cannon with Dutch Elm Disease. Warm up your chainsaws and reclaim our once great nation, before it's too late.


*When you get a branch jabbed right up your fundamentals whilst you're taking a shit, remember that I warned you of this day.
**As per most Daily Mail readers.

3 Comments:

  • Haha. I found your blog on Google and found it very funny.

    One thing I don't get about all these "greenies" is that they imply that if we don't emit CO2, there will be more trees and plants and things (like on the Persil adverts, "Every child has the right to a nicer world"), but that's totally the opposite.

    Being green isn't green. Being red is green.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:20 pm  

  • Opps, got my URL wrong on that last comment.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:24 pm  

  • I think you are the biggest crackpot i have ever heard from, without trees your body(weak) can't get any oxygen and you'll die(not that i'll regret it)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:30 am  

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