Very Belated April Fool's Day Joke
I had the perfect April Fool's worked out but I was too lazy to do it. Still, now seems like a good time to write it up, maybe then I'll remember in time for next year.
It all stemmed from the idea that killing myself would be a fucking awesome prank - nobody would see that one coming, I'd be a living comedy legend (except the legend part). Next I thought I should come up with a way to do this that is in itself a joke, maximising the comedy of the whole thing. But how?
The idea hit me, like a book I'd put high up on some shelves and then knocked down by accident when pretending to be a mountain climber. I should kill myself...in secret, using gravity.
My work people have no contact details for my family, nor does my landlord or in fact, anyone else. Only a handful of people even know where I live and they would be both uncontactable and used to my disappearing for extended periods of time. I wondered how long I could go dead for before anyone noticed and then how long I could remain dead before anyone actually found me.
So I decided on a plan - I'd climb up in my loft without using a stepladder, spread magic-tree air fresheners all over the shop, put the access hatch back in place and then hang myself from the rafters behind a big pile of boxes. Why would the police look for me in a loft? I don't think they would, not for a while anyway. I reckon that two weeks would be a reasonable target. A truly amazing reasonable target, granted, but a reasonable target none the less.
Utter genius if I do say so myself. In fact...fuck it, I might just do it now - the super-double-cheeseburger joke being that it isn't even April. Yeah, fuck it, I will do it.
I'll just post my suicide note here, then head off and meet my maker. Hopefully somebody will find it at some point and let the world in general know of its tragic loss. Goodbye, and thanks for reading!
Peter O'Phile.
PO'P EDIT: Shit, I've got bats up there again. I'm not letting those fuckers eat my eyes and engorged penis (from the hanging rather than anything else, this is a serious business). It'll just have to wait.
PO'P EDIT2: I've just remembered that I'm hugely disdainful of people who kill themselves (not that it matters to Deady McNoPulse), fucking wimpshit quitters should all be brought back to life and have to commit suicide again from the shame of taking such a girly way out. Looks like I dodged a bullet (literally) there!
It all stemmed from the idea that killing myself would be a fucking awesome prank - nobody would see that one coming, I'd be a living comedy legend (except the legend part). Next I thought I should come up with a way to do this that is in itself a joke, maximising the comedy of the whole thing. But how?
The idea hit me, like a book I'd put high up on some shelves and then knocked down by accident when pretending to be a mountain climber. I should kill myself...in secret, using gravity.
My work people have no contact details for my family, nor does my landlord or in fact, anyone else. Only a handful of people even know where I live and they would be both uncontactable and used to my disappearing for extended periods of time. I wondered how long I could go dead for before anyone noticed and then how long I could remain dead before anyone actually found me.
So I decided on a plan - I'd climb up in my loft without using a stepladder, spread magic-tree air fresheners all over the shop, put the access hatch back in place and then hang myself from the rafters behind a big pile of boxes. Why would the police look for me in a loft? I don't think they would, not for a while anyway. I reckon that two weeks would be a reasonable target. A truly amazing reasonable target, granted, but a reasonable target none the less.
Utter genius if I do say so myself. In fact...fuck it, I might just do it now - the super-double-cheeseburger joke being that it isn't even April. Yeah, fuck it, I will do it.
I'll just post my suicide note here, then head off and meet my maker. Hopefully somebody will find it at some point and let the world in general know of its tragic loss. Goodbye, and thanks for reading!
Peter O'Phile.
PO'P EDIT: Shit, I've got bats up there again. I'm not letting those fuckers eat my eyes and engorged penis (from the hanging rather than anything else, this is a serious business). It'll just have to wait.
PO'P EDIT2: I've just remembered that I'm hugely disdainful of people who kill themselves (not that it matters to Deady McNoPulse), fucking wimpshit quitters should all be brought back to life and have to commit suicide again from the shame of taking such a girly way out. Looks like I dodged a bullet (literally) there!
posted by Peter O'Phile at
5:08 pm
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