Rambling Diatribe 3

These adverts for Andrex "puppy on a roll" shit moppers have me a little confused. Can you imagine being that guy?

"So yeah, my portfolio is to break down brand loyalties to toilet paper."
"We're making big strides at the moment by getting people to smear shit all over little puppies...uh...printed onto the roll. Really...uh...truly exciting times for arse wiping technology."
"The next step is to break into sneezes. Reeeeeeal big money in snot cleanup."
"Oh God, I've wasted my life."
"BANG."

Wiping crap off your arse with puppies? Even I baulk at that. For a start kittens are fluffier and easier to flush. Rubbing your ring on Rover? Swabbing sweetcorn with Shep? Yeah, that's a well adjusted society we've got here. Cute.

The trailer for "Snakes on a plane" is another baffler. What the fuck? I'm still not even sure if it's a joke or not. Jesus, can you imagine sitting through two hours of that without losing the plot and getting thrown out for setting fire to the screen again?

"There's snakes! On a plane!"
"I dunno...um...should we land?"
"Fuck, yeah. Let's just land the fucking thing and get off. I'm too old for this shit."
"CUT"

I wonder what the twist will be? Maybe the snakes will actually be lizards, or poisonous crocodiles, or terrorists. Hopefully it'll at least keep a few sets of idiots off the streets for a couple of hours, which is all today's modern film on the move aspires to anyway. It could be like a mini-holiday from retards, which is another subject I'm getting fucked off with at the moment. I mean holidays not retards, you obtuse shit.

I mean, who the fuck doesn't realise that holidays are shit? What sane person wants to be trapped on a cruise ship with the kind of people who would want to go on a fucking cruise ship? It's a constant topic of conversation all summer long - where to, how much, how long, what hole, wait, strike that last one.

So I have an idea - why doesn't everyone shut the fuck up about holidays, go on one and I'll just stay here. You deal with the fucking flights and the passport comptrollers, the delhi belly and the bloated derby bellies, the local driving and the locals, the boring fallen down castles and shitwater regional beers, all of which have you using up roll after roll of the local shit rags which you can't flush and don't even have animals printed on them.

I'll just stay here, enjoying my holiday from the fucking morons. I'll be able to walk down streets without some fake fucking charity worker asking for my bank details, I'll drink in pubs free from people taking 15 minutes to order a small coke and pay for it with a Switch card. I might even be able to go to the cinema without killing everyone there, because I'll be the only one there.

Fuck it, I've seen trailers for this one where a load of snakes get onto a plane for some reason. I can't remember what it's called but don't send me a postcard, I'll be just fine.