Tie Me A Ribbon

It's high time I pointed out that everybody wearing those awareness ribbon things are tossers. What the fuck is wrong with just donating to breast cancer and having done? Nothing, the titties will still get saved or sliced (possibly the only noble cause left in this world) just the same either way*.

So why wear a ribbon? To nag at other people? I've given money, why haven't you? Well fuck right off on that score. That thing cost money to make - if you really gave a shit, you'd sell it on ebay and donate the profit back. Or insist they didn't make any in the first place.

Which leaves us with only one conclusion - the people who wear these things are showing off. Fine, you paid up and now we know how kind and loving you are. Your heart is on your sleeve, as is your heart-disease awareness and love of people with AIDS. You Care.

So why is it that when I gave a tramp a tenner last week and told him to follow me around all evening telling young females that I was a generous and groovy guy (not that he needed to, I was simply trying to educate him on the benefits of a fair day's work), I got banned from the Tollman's Arms? Hypocrisy and bollockism, that's what it is.

In hindsight, tying him up next to that Bull Mastiff was a bit off but I couldn't take him inside, he smelt like someone who lives on the streets for fuck's sakes.

It gets worse - there are so few colours in the world that the charity bastards have to share. For example, I love our troops (this is just an example remember, I've only ever met one squaddie I didn't hate. In fact, I've only ever met a handful of people I didn't hate. Is there a ribbon for that?), so I must pin a yellow ribbon to my chest. Done.

But wait, now I am also supporting Obesity. Fuck those fatties, they can swing from an appropriately strong rope. In the wrong light, I am all about Leukaemia. And I hope that the people who decided bladder cancer should have a yellow ribbon did it for a laugh (I've checked, bowel cancer isn't brown, the humourless bastards).

All I can say is that Tony Orlando will be spinning in his grave, and people wearing these ribbons should be pushed into rivers on sight from this point onwards.

*It has occurred that wearing a pink ribbon may allow you to hang around mastectomy clinics gathering "offcuts". In which case, this whole article is moot and I'm off to buy one now.