Peter O'Phile's Supermarket Slaughterhouse
Supermarkets, the highest concentration of cunts that can be found anywhere on this planet outside of America and Belgium. So necessary for the survival of today's food eating man, yet so lacking in that they don't sell guns (except possibly in America).
Sadly though, only the half of the UK population which is currently wasting its life away on benefits can afford the luxury of visiting everyday, and since you can read you probably aren't one of them. Not sure how to maximise your cunt/visit ratio? Well now help is at hand, with the Peter O'Phile guide to pissing off everyone you come across.
Step 0 - Proper Preparation Prevents Something Or Other
Make sure you write a list of all the things you need, because you should always advertise that you are a moron by wandering around clutching a shitty piece of paper in your six fingered grasp. Try not to drop it too many times, even if you have to concentrate really hard.
Bonus points for getting your wife to write the list for you, because you can't even be trusted to buy food. I hope she put directions to get home on the back, else you're lost somewhere on fucked street for sure. Actually, I hope instructions on how to start the car are there somewhere too, you're clearly one brain short of human.
Step 1 - Arrive In Style
Park across two spaces. This is mandatory because you have such a fucking awesome car that you can't let any cunt park near it and risk spoiling the paintwork with their inferior car's shadow*.
Bonus points for parking across two disabled spots, double bonus points if you're in a Saxo with bits of odd-shaped plastic stuck to it with selotape and a neon light glued to the bottom.
Super bonus points for managing to park across four spots like the retarded old cunt I saw a couple of days ago.
Step 2 - Make An Entrance
Make sure you tie your dog up outside, after all, you haven't got a home to leave the little fucker in, and how would it piss people off when it's locked away in the car?
And before anybody points out that leaving a dog in a hot car is the equivalent to roasting it, remember to add barbeque sauce to your shopping list and stop fucking whining. Pissy little bastard dogs, I'd roast the cunting lot of them.
Bonus points for leaving it a bowl of water for me to tread in. Super bonus points if the bowl is just out of the dog's reach.
Step 3 - Nobody Likes A Loner
Nobody wants to go to the supermarket alone and thus keep the number of pricks aimlessly wandering the aisles to a minimum. I recommend that you take at least five kids and two wives in tow.
If you don't have enough kids, try Catholicism, or just steal some from a nearby playground. If you don't have enough wives, try Mormonism, or just steal some from a nearby maternity ward, where they should already be drugged up and in wheelchairs for your convenience.
Bonus points if you brought the old lady with a zimmer frame and insist on walking alongside her the entire time you are there, thus blocking an entire aisle in the most efficient way possible, with minimum human outlay.
Triple bonus points for discussing whether you want eight bags of oven chips or nine with your fat friend for quarter of an hour (during which time the poor starving bitch eats a whole bag of them, wrapper and all).
Step 4 - Phone A Friend
...and chat about shit in a loud voice. This achieves several things all in one easy stage:
1) Nobody thinks you have no friends
2) Nobody thinks you have less initiative than a dead sock.
3) Nobody thinks you are too stupid to work out what you want before you get somewhere.
4) Nobody thinks you are a tosser.
Bonus points if you're actually talking to the speaking clock, which is what everyone assumes anyway.
Mega bonus points if you haven't got a phone, or use the latest Bluetooth "Cunt-04" headsets so that you look like a nutter talking to the invisible shop fairies.
Step 5 - Shop Smart, Stupid (1)
Why wait in the queue like a dummy when you've finished shopping, when you could simply get in the queue and let someone else bring all your shit to you?
Today's modern cunt needs to economise, maximise, efficientise and synergise at 110 percent if they're going to really push the wanker-boundaries to the max. Those people waiting for your mate to fetch fifteen bags of oven chips from the freezer section are only looking forward to death anyway, let the fuckers stand around for a while.
Bonus points for getting your accomplice to take some items back at the same time. Super bonus points for berating him when he gets the wrong brand of oven chips, as though they aren't all from the same fucking factory.
Step 6 - Shop Smart, Stupid (2)
Fuck the normal checkouts, head to the cigarette counter. If they didn't intend for people to buy twenty bags of oven chips from there, they wouldn't have made it big enough. Oh wait, they didn't. Fuck them over anyway.
Bonus points for not buying cigarettes, although you should...and smoke them all at once.
Step 7 - Shop Smart, Stupid (3)
Too stupid to use a cash machine? Why not buy a stick of gum and pay by switch. If you can squirt the words "ten pounds please" out of your breathing-hole, you'll be well on your way to getting a sweet payout...in cuntishness.
Bonus points for changing your mind on how much cash you want five times or more.
Step 8 - Make Friends
Hey, that cashier isn't just a robot there to scan barcodes and attempt to count money, it's a person too. Why not hold everyone up for a few minutes whilst you tell her all about your piles, the weather outside and what you're having for dinner (as a hint, she could probably guess from the thirty bags of oven chips you just bought).
Bonus points for dragging another cashier into the conversation, thus holding up a queue you aren't even part of.
Step 9 - There Is No Step Nine
Congratulations, you are now well on your way to being a complete cunt. Just the other day, I saw a bad-parking-dog-tied-up-zimmer-frame-change-dropper-dull-chat combo that literally took my breath away. Reckon you can beat it? Have fun!
*In reasonable moments, I realise that this is to avoid retarded kids humping dents into your car doors. You're still a tosser though.
Sadly though, only the half of the UK population which is currently wasting its life away on benefits can afford the luxury of visiting everyday, and since you can read you probably aren't one of them. Not sure how to maximise your cunt/visit ratio? Well now help is at hand, with the Peter O'Phile guide to pissing off everyone you come across.
Step 0 - Proper Preparation Prevents Something Or Other
Make sure you write a list of all the things you need, because you should always advertise that you are a moron by wandering around clutching a shitty piece of paper in your six fingered grasp. Try not to drop it too many times, even if you have to concentrate really hard.
Bonus points for getting your wife to write the list for you, because you can't even be trusted to buy food. I hope she put directions to get home on the back, else you're lost somewhere on fucked street for sure. Actually, I hope instructions on how to start the car are there somewhere too, you're clearly one brain short of human.
Step 1 - Arrive In Style
Park across two spaces. This is mandatory because you have such a fucking awesome car that you can't let any cunt park near it and risk spoiling the paintwork with their inferior car's shadow*.
Bonus points for parking across two disabled spots, double bonus points if you're in a Saxo with bits of odd-shaped plastic stuck to it with selotape and a neon light glued to the bottom.
Super bonus points for managing to park across four spots like the retarded old cunt I saw a couple of days ago.
Step 2 - Make An Entrance
Make sure you tie your dog up outside, after all, you haven't got a home to leave the little fucker in, and how would it piss people off when it's locked away in the car?
And before anybody points out that leaving a dog in a hot car is the equivalent to roasting it, remember to add barbeque sauce to your shopping list and stop fucking whining. Pissy little bastard dogs, I'd roast the cunting lot of them.
Bonus points for leaving it a bowl of water for me to tread in. Super bonus points if the bowl is just out of the dog's reach.
Step 3 - Nobody Likes A Loner
Nobody wants to go to the supermarket alone and thus keep the number of pricks aimlessly wandering the aisles to a minimum. I recommend that you take at least five kids and two wives in tow.
If you don't have enough kids, try Catholicism, or just steal some from a nearby playground. If you don't have enough wives, try Mormonism, or just steal some from a nearby maternity ward, where they should already be drugged up and in wheelchairs for your convenience.
Bonus points if you brought the old lady with a zimmer frame and insist on walking alongside her the entire time you are there, thus blocking an entire aisle in the most efficient way possible, with minimum human outlay.
Triple bonus points for discussing whether you want eight bags of oven chips or nine with your fat friend for quarter of an hour (during which time the poor starving bitch eats a whole bag of them, wrapper and all).
Step 4 - Phone A Friend
...and chat about shit in a loud voice. This achieves several things all in one easy stage:
1) Nobody thinks you have no friends
2) Nobody thinks you have less initiative than a dead sock.
3) Nobody thinks you are too stupid to work out what you want before you get somewhere.
4) Nobody thinks you are a tosser.
Bonus points if you're actually talking to the speaking clock, which is what everyone assumes anyway.
Mega bonus points if you haven't got a phone, or use the latest Bluetooth "Cunt-04" headsets so that you look like a nutter talking to the invisible shop fairies.
Step 5 - Shop Smart, Stupid (1)
Why wait in the queue like a dummy when you've finished shopping, when you could simply get in the queue and let someone else bring all your shit to you?
Today's modern cunt needs to economise, maximise, efficientise and synergise at 110 percent if they're going to really push the wanker-boundaries to the max. Those people waiting for your mate to fetch fifteen bags of oven chips from the freezer section are only looking forward to death anyway, let the fuckers stand around for a while.
Bonus points for getting your accomplice to take some items back at the same time. Super bonus points for berating him when he gets the wrong brand of oven chips, as though they aren't all from the same fucking factory.
Step 6 - Shop Smart, Stupid (2)
Fuck the normal checkouts, head to the cigarette counter. If they didn't intend for people to buy twenty bags of oven chips from there, they wouldn't have made it big enough. Oh wait, they didn't. Fuck them over anyway.
Bonus points for not buying cigarettes, although you should...and smoke them all at once.
Step 7 - Shop Smart, Stupid (3)
Too stupid to use a cash machine? Why not buy a stick of gum and pay by switch. If you can squirt the words "ten pounds please" out of your breathing-hole, you'll be well on your way to getting a sweet payout...in cuntishness.
Bonus points for changing your mind on how much cash you want five times or more.
Step 8 - Make Friends
Hey, that cashier isn't just a robot there to scan barcodes and attempt to count money, it's a person too. Why not hold everyone up for a few minutes whilst you tell her all about your piles, the weather outside and what you're having for dinner (as a hint, she could probably guess from the thirty bags of oven chips you just bought).
Bonus points for dragging another cashier into the conversation, thus holding up a queue you aren't even part of.
Step 9 - There Is No Step Nine
Congratulations, you are now well on your way to being a complete cunt. Just the other day, I saw a bad-parking-dog-tied-up-zimmer-frame-change-dropper-dull-chat combo that literally took my breath away. Reckon you can beat it? Have fun!
*In reasonable moments, I realise that this is to avoid retarded kids humping dents into your car doors. You're still a tosser though.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
5:50 pm
4 Comments:
I reckon you shop in Chesterfield
By
Anonymous, at 1:15 pm
Thankfully not, the six fingered bit was a red herring.
By
Peter O'Phile, at 5:29 pm
In that case you've almost certainly shopped at ASDA in Crewe at some point. Those observations are just too accurate.
Just for the record here is my addition to your list.
Step 10. Sad single suited twat
Stand in the baskets queue with a single packet of steak and burn a stare in to the back of my head that says "I've only got a fucking steak and my Audi is parked in the disabled spot at 45 degrees so let me go in front of you because I'm important. At least I am in work which is all that counts."
Ta.
By
Anonymous, at 9:28 am
I think it's a nationwide hobby.
Thanks for the addition, Wilf. Something about suits does make people act like self important twats.
By
Peter O'Phile, at 10:22 pm
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