WHORE 10/11/06
I'm kind of upset that nobody noticed the date on the title was a month out last time round, meaning that the horoscope was completely wrong. Don't worry though, I've double checked everything and this one is 100% accurate.
Taurus:
This week you are going to buy some bad acid (the fact that Mikey was sitting in the middle of the room, pointing at the ceiling and crying when you went round there should have been a bit of a giveaway, you fucking idiot).
Instead of hallucinating interesting colours and shapes, you'll just see a world of grey land, sky and sea, much like before you dropped the tab. And instead of realising that we are all parts of the same interconnected matter, simply experiencing our collective environment from different perspectives, like leaves on different branches of a tree, you'll come to the conclusion that the day to day reality we perceive is actually the real one.
You'll ponder this new finding for a minute. A world that encourages, pushes and even forces people into 9-5 drudgery, a universe that seems to want to turn its inhabitants into dullard wage slaves? A realm which allows the existence of Heat magazine, stretch limos, D.F.Fucking.S and their half price until 2999 fucking offers, Andii Peters, the pope, Linda Cunting-Shithound Barker, AIDS, Cherie Blair and Belgium?
Fuck being interconnected matter with this shitfest, you'll think, I'd be better off alone against the universe, especially as it seems to be watching me with evil intent, experimenting with my tolerance of the shoddy reality it chose to create. Fuck this universe's reality and fuck the horse that this universe's reality rode in on, you'll think.
You'll decide to end it all by jumping off the nearest bridge (although you see it as a bridge, it's actually a multi-storey car park in the town centre), leaving a suicide note explaining that the universe knows why this had to happen and perhaps it might consider not Creatoring if it's going to be such a poor workman. Suggest that it stick to short board surfing in its own transcendental plane and trying to look up other universes' skirts, which is probably the best it can hope for.
Sadly, the universe (which really was fucking with you all along) will change the coroner's perception of your note so that he just reads a lot of stuff about cats and random nonsense about being able to fly. The Sun will carry the four page headline "FLY? WHY?" and the pictures of your semi-splattered corpse will be used as anti-drug propaganda for the next couple of years.
Try not to wave your arms around too much or the amateur camcorder footage will look like you're actually trying to take off. Face your fate with arms held stiff by your sides, or perhaps with one hand raised in a Nazi salute if you're feeling risque (you will be).
Capricorn:
You are a weasel faced lardcunt and the world hates knowing you are walking around on top of it.Tread carefully this week.
PO'P Note: Woah, that came out kind of depressing, but hey, I'm just the messenger...Enjoy the weekend, however you perceive it.
Taurus:This week you are going to buy some bad acid (the fact that Mikey was sitting in the middle of the room, pointing at the ceiling and crying when you went round there should have been a bit of a giveaway, you fucking idiot).
Instead of hallucinating interesting colours and shapes, you'll just see a world of grey land, sky and sea, much like before you dropped the tab. And instead of realising that we are all parts of the same interconnected matter, simply experiencing our collective environment from different perspectives, like leaves on different branches of a tree, you'll come to the conclusion that the day to day reality we perceive is actually the real one.
You'll ponder this new finding for a minute. A world that encourages, pushes and even forces people into 9-5 drudgery, a universe that seems to want to turn its inhabitants into dullard wage slaves? A realm which allows the existence of Heat magazine, stretch limos, D.F.Fucking.S and their half price until 2999 fucking offers, Andii Peters, the pope, Linda Cunting-Shithound Barker, AIDS, Cherie Blair and Belgium?
Fuck being interconnected matter with this shitfest, you'll think, I'd be better off alone against the universe, especially as it seems to be watching me with evil intent, experimenting with my tolerance of the shoddy reality it chose to create. Fuck this universe's reality and fuck the horse that this universe's reality rode in on, you'll think.
You'll decide to end it all by jumping off the nearest bridge (although you see it as a bridge, it's actually a multi-storey car park in the town centre), leaving a suicide note explaining that the universe knows why this had to happen and perhaps it might consider not Creatoring if it's going to be such a poor workman. Suggest that it stick to short board surfing in its own transcendental plane and trying to look up other universes' skirts, which is probably the best it can hope for.
Sadly, the universe (which really was fucking with you all along) will change the coroner's perception of your note so that he just reads a lot of stuff about cats and random nonsense about being able to fly. The Sun will carry the four page headline "FLY? WHY?" and the pictures of your semi-splattered corpse will be used as anti-drug propaganda for the next couple of years.
Try not to wave your arms around too much or the amateur camcorder footage will look like you're actually trying to take off. Face your fate with arms held stiff by your sides, or perhaps with one hand raised in a Nazi salute if you're feeling risque (you will be).
Capricorn:You are a weasel faced lardcunt and the world hates knowing you are walking around on top of it.Tread carefully this week.
PO'P Note: Woah, that came out kind of depressing, but hey, I'm just the messenger...Enjoy the weekend, however you perceive it.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
12:08 pm
1 Comments:
Nobody noticed because nobody read it. However, somebody did read this one. You spelled Andi Peters's name wrong, and you should have put a hyphen in weasel-faced.
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Anonymous, at 2:47 am
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