WHORE 03/10/06
Ever since a load of astrologers decided that Pluto has shrunk below the size of a planet, the mainstream astronomers have been getting those vital horoscopes all wrong. But never fear, Peter O'Phile is here to correct that, with the PO'P Weekly Horoscope Of Remarkable Exactitude.
Capricorn:
Today you are going to die in a car crash. Ironically, it will happen as you are rushing to buy clean underwear because you read in your horoscope that you were going to die in a car crash and your mother always told you to make sure you had clean underwear in case you died in a car crash (actually she used to mention getting run over by a bus, but you'll figure it's the same basic scenario).
Send a couple of text messages to say goodbye to your loved ones (don't phone, your wife is going to take the news pretty hard as she's in bed sucking your second best friend Ron dry the moment you have to swerve into the bus lane and the last thing you need when facing up to your imminent death at the hands of a drunk Elvis impersonator is a wailing wayward woman) and it's time to head off and meet your destiny.
At least you won't need to worry about the twenty grand you ran up on your credit card in Brighton last weekend, leave it for that cheating slut to deal with. What's a man with a pelvis about to be broken in eight places need ladyboys for anyhow?
Why not ride unbuckled for once, it's not like a seatbelt will help when your head gets popped off by that stop sign. Bon voyage!
Libra:
Your dad is going to die in a car crash that happens because he just read that he was going to die in a car crash. You might want to put an extra couple of Logic Diodes into that Cause/Effect machine you've been working on as a birthday present for him (not that there's any rush to finish it now anyway). Try not to blame yourself too much, these things happen in the pursuit of Science, and as your mother always says "you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs".
Although she does all the cooking so you have to take her word for it (you really can't make an omelette, but let's see that loose legged bitch throw together an Entropy Reversal Wand), it's much better advice than the stuff she's been spouting lately about wearing clean underwear the day you die.
Happy inventing, and try to accept your new father, Ron as best you can.
PO'P Note: I have a load of sponges soaked in petroleum, ready and waiting for some fuckers to attempt a fireworks display anywhere near my house this weekend. Why not try your luck, you feeble fuckers.
Capricorn: Today you are going to die in a car crash. Ironically, it will happen as you are rushing to buy clean underwear because you read in your horoscope that you were going to die in a car crash and your mother always told you to make sure you had clean underwear in case you died in a car crash (actually she used to mention getting run over by a bus, but you'll figure it's the same basic scenario).
Send a couple of text messages to say goodbye to your loved ones (don't phone, your wife is going to take the news pretty hard as she's in bed sucking your second best friend Ron dry the moment you have to swerve into the bus lane and the last thing you need when facing up to your imminent death at the hands of a drunk Elvis impersonator is a wailing wayward woman) and it's time to head off and meet your destiny.
At least you won't need to worry about the twenty grand you ran up on your credit card in Brighton last weekend, leave it for that cheating slut to deal with. What's a man with a pelvis about to be broken in eight places need ladyboys for anyhow?
Why not ride unbuckled for once, it's not like a seatbelt will help when your head gets popped off by that stop sign. Bon voyage!
Libra: Your dad is going to die in a car crash that happens because he just read that he was going to die in a car crash. You might want to put an extra couple of Logic Diodes into that Cause/Effect machine you've been working on as a birthday present for him (not that there's any rush to finish it now anyway). Try not to blame yourself too much, these things happen in the pursuit of Science, and as your mother always says "you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs".
Although she does all the cooking so you have to take her word for it (you really can't make an omelette, but let's see that loose legged bitch throw together an Entropy Reversal Wand), it's much better advice than the stuff she's been spouting lately about wearing clean underwear the day you die.
Happy inventing, and try to accept your new father, Ron as best you can.
PO'P Note: I have a load of sponges soaked in petroleum, ready and waiting for some fuckers to attempt a fireworks display anywhere near my house this weekend. Why not try your luck, you feeble fuckers.
posted by Peter O'Phile at
9:31 am
1 Comments:
I am a Capricorn and I didn't die in a car crash. Maybe this astrology business isn't all you think it's cracked up to be? Although you got the bit about ladyboys right. Kerblaw!
By
Anonymous, at 5:19 am
Post a Comment
<< Home