Rambling Diatribe 5: Would A Fruit Basket Help?

So we're thinking about apologising for slavery now. And I for one couldn't be more behind the idea of apologising for something I didn't do. Fuck, while we're at it I'd like to apologise to the Russians for faking that moon landing and making you guys lose the cold war. Sorry, comrades.

The Great Fire of London - my bad again, sorry. The invention of Cancer, I don't know what I was thinking that day. The VW Beetle, old and new, shit...I'm lost for words on those two.

That time I tied a chick up and beat her until her eyes bled and she kept crawling round in circles crying until I accidentally suffocated her when trying to shut her up with a pillow...I'm sorry. Wait, that last one was me, so I'm not apologising. In fact, I'd do it again (in the unlikely event you're reading this, Chevaun, you know where to find me).

But if the honourable Mr. Blair wants to ride the apology wagon, perhaps he should start by apologising for the things he has done. Everything since 1997 would be a good place to start, he can work backwards from there if he has some spare time.

If that doesn't appeal, he could always just beat himself to death with a shoe, I'm a easy-going guy.

It seems like kind of a harsh light to shine on history though, judging people based on something that was fine by the moral standards of the day. I mean, I don't want people to be apologising in 200 years time for my not having viciously murdered Robbie Williams. In today's modern times of DVDs, MP3s and digital hard-drives, there's a good chance that some of his dirge will be floating around the world like time-capsule turds for all eternity, and I can't face death with a smile if I'm going to be judged like that.

"And today, the people of Earth issued a blanket apology for Elton John, Madonna and Graham Norton. Unappeased, the Zorgonians refused to lift their war ultimatum and recall their death-ships."

And don't you cunting dare get on your "but morals are better now, we've moved on" whiny fucking high-horse, the pope has killed more people in Africa by a few powers of ten than were ever affected by slavery. How do you fancy your descendents apologising for your part in that genocide?

It's going to take more than a glittery card, that's for sure. Plus I checked and they don't even do a "sorry my ancestors wiped out your entire race because they were lazy and stupid" motto. Note to the Hallmark movers and shakers; a dog looking sad on the front would be a good option, a doghouse in the background would be ideal. One for every occasion my arse, you cocks.

"Yeah, thank fuck we don't enslave the darkies now, civilised and progressive thinking fuckers that we are. We let them die a noble death from starvation, AIDS and Malaria. Let's all do our civilised nation holding hands dance! Come on Mtuele, get up off the floor and join our dance...Mtuele? Mtuele?"

And up front, miming with a guitar? Oh look, it's Bono! I wonder how many African kids he could have helped out instead of running that pathetic "get my hat back" campaign. Every other sentence that little shit-weasel says is "something must be done", and just look what must be done - Bono must have his hat.

Thank fuck it wasn't a jumper, he'd be stomping over piles of dead Kenyans, battering in heads with his guitar and humming to himself "...no I still...haven't found...". I guess a man does have to take Pride in his appearance but the most noble thing that poison dwarf could do is jump into a wood-chipper and donate his ground up internals to the Ethiopians. What a beautiful day that would be for mankind in general (Ok, I'll stop).

So I have a message for the people of the year 2200 reading this now. I would apologise for my part in not supergluing Bono to the front of a train with the brakes disabled, but I won't. Because one day I'll meet the little fucker and do the decent thing. You owe me one, future generations.