How To Have A Weird Fucking Week

Step 1:

• Losing your mind slightly, search every room in your house for items you have lost. Decide that they must be in the loft even though you know full well that they aren't up there.

• Enter loft, hear unearthly squeaking noises and jump back down from loft.

• Return to loft with torch and try to work out how the fuck rats got into the loft and what the fuck they are doing up there.

• Realise that rats are up in eaves of roof. Wonder how rats got so high up and what the fuck they are doing up there.

• Realise that the rats are in fact, bats. Fucking flying things with teeth.

• Do a little research on the internet. Find out that it is now illegal to enter your own loft as the bats own the fucker. No, really.

• Decide that the law is an ass and spend an hour or two provoking the bats. Shining the torch straight on them causes a certain amount of consternation and a marked increase in the squeaking noises they emit.

• Make mental note not to tell the police of this.

Step 2:

• Go on leaving "do" for some fucker from work. Once too drunk to stand up, return home and calmly do some laundry, sleeping on the kitchen floor whilst the machine does its work.

• Awake the next day unable to move, never mind return to work.

• Resolve never to drink B-52s again as long as you live or remember.

Step 3:

• Decide to get an early night as you have to drive six hours to Wales the next day and will be required to rise at around 6am.

• Stub little toe on radiator, fracturing it. Do not realise that the toe is fractured (this may prove difficult). If you do realise this, refuse to admit the obvious.

• Get no sleep that night as each movement of your foot causes you to wake up in pain.

• Resolve not to go to hospital as it is a Bank Holiday Friday and the place will be filled with drunken pikeys missing ears and noses from drunken fighting.

Step 4:

• Take on the six hour drive (through country A-roads) on virtually no sleep, with a fractured toe. Do not take any sensible steps such as bandaging up the toe.

• Spend the entire weekend arguing with anyone who suggests you should go to hospital. The argument should consist of no more than "I'm not fucking going to hospital".

• Spend the rest of your time limping like a drunken village idiot around various Welsh "tourist attractions", swearing loudly each time you put your right foot down.

• Also highlight the large numbers of pikeys in the area in a loud voice, even though you know full well you have no way of escaping or defending yourself.

Step 5:

• Drive back from Wales with a fractured toe.

• At one point, get involved in a race with a motorbike, even though you have worn your brakes down to the point at which they have begun to grind/fade from overuse and you can't press the brake pedal fully down (see step 3). Reason that these two factors cancel each other out. Lose the race after approximately 10 miles of extreme stupidity.

• (Yes I am either one double hard, fire-shitting bastard or very determined.)

Step 6:

• Whilst on the way to the chip shop for dinner, soil yourself slightly for no apparent reasons.

• Continue to chip shop, purchase and eat dinner.

Pictures of the toe you say?

Pictures of the bats you say?

Fuck off - they can fly and have teeth. I'm not going close enough to the freaky fuckers to get involved. Suffice to say that they look a bit like the example above. I heard one mutter something anti-semitic in bat-language too.