Come In Religion, Your Time Is Up

I'm sick of Religion rearing its ugly head. This social-control bullshit been going on since the dawning of time (generally acknowledged to be around 5000 BC by religious nutcases) and shows no sign of stopping now that we have things like knowledge, empirical study and rational thought to explain why it rains and sometimes people get smashed to little pieces by earthquakes.

I've been on a long internet-trek (much better than a real-trek as I can do it from work and still get paid) in a quest to find a religion that isn't a complete load of fuckballs. Fuck, I nearly wrote "a failed quest" then and gave the game away. Fuck, double fuck, I really did give it away that time. Anyway, my findings are as follows:

Sikhism
The only major religion to have been founded by cows. Some believe a single cow came up with the scam, others believe that ten or eleven of them (The First Herd) were in it together.

This religion is unique in that it has no official day off and believes in reincarnation. Now, if you can't see why reincarnation is a stupid thing to believe in you'd best stop reading now. Frankly I'll welcome the sweet finality of death, especially if I can't spend Sunday in bed looking at midget porn. If I do end up reincarnated, I'll just kill myself - take that, God!

Judaism
Invented by the Germans (and thus inherently evil), Judaism puts much stock in eating unleavened bread and oppressing the people of Palestine whenever not being closely watched. They also have a penchant for being a little exclusive of those who do not follow their dogma, and plotting the death of said unbelievers. Wacky chaps indeed.

It should also be noted that Jews are widely held to have killed Jesus. Given that Jesus is unlikely to have ever existed, it seems unreasonable not to let that one slide.

Buddhism
Divine instructions are handed down via a big gold statue, telling acolytes to eat lots and build kick-ass temples all over the shop.

They also like to dress up in red dresses and beat the shit out of each other in a sort of worship circus, thus to discourage people from messing with them. As a result, they are often confused with East-side LA gangsters, with whom they actually share little in common. Except a love of crack, obviously.

Shinto
The most secretive religion in the world, little is known about these guys except that they like to hide in trees and shout at the sea. They also sometimes dress as pirates and bury treasure. Or is that pirates? I forget. Anyway, Shinto is a stupid (if secretive) religion.

Christianity
Knocked up by Jesus one afternoon when he was practising his lake-walking, this crap is responsible for such awesome events as the Crusades, in which Steven Seagal killed a shedload of evil Turks, thus preventing them from entering the 16th Century and a load of virgins stolen from Richard Lionheart's trailer.

It amusingly split when Queen Elizabeth got bored of being married and decided to turn her life to the noble pursuit of croquet instead - the evil Pope John XI would not allow this (croquet being an abomination to Jesus after a failed game on Lake Galilee), so she had him shot and formed her own splinter cell - the Anglican church.

This idea was then stolen by the Americans when they were cooking up their own version of Christianity, which calls heavily upon the idea of giving money to preachers who like touching little boys. Bizarrely (though understandably) the catholic church then sanctioned the touching of young boys and now too practice this...umm...practice.

Islam
Often billed as the religion of terrorists, in truth Islam is a highly misunderstood dogma, mainly because the devout followers keep blowing themselves up before getting a chance to fully explain their belief systems.

It is known, however, that Islam is actually a peaceful religion and most of their "terrorist" actions are actually intended as jokes, sadly the (Evil) West has yet to understand the subtleties of Muslim humour.

They also advocate chaining women to camels after wrapping them up in huge bin-bags known as Chadors. For which I salute them.

Scientology
Hahahaha, hahahahaha hahahaha...ahummm. Wait, that wasn't a joke? Christ, that's stupid.

Science
The young upstart of the world religions, often to be found chatting on a mobile phone about what it wants for dinner, Science provides few answers that other faiths at least take a wild swing at.

A transcript of an interview with Science would look something like this:

PO'P: Why are we here?
SCI: I don't fucking know.
PO'P: What's the meaning of life?
SCI: Fucked if I've got a clue.
PO'P: What happens when I die.
SCI: Fuck would you ask me? Now, have you got any spare change or not?

Peter O'Philistinism
I'm pretty sure that I'm actually a mild form of God.

Just do what I tell you and everything will be OK. You won't go to heaven or any of that shit, but at least then I won't be tempted to eat your eyes or smite your cat with a nail-gun. I might even buy you a beer if you worship me hard enough but don't count on it.

You can send me super magical happy prayers (and v!@gR@ ads) to ignore by emailing PeterOPhile@Gmail.com.

For now mortals, this is Peter O'Phile signing off. Stay safe and open minded (except about religion, which is all utter crap, obviously).