Peter O'Phile: Emesis Nemesis

Puking. Vomiting. Chucking. Spewing. Hurling. Doing the Big Spit. So many euphemisms for such a simple, yet rewarding hobby. Any drinker worth his salt has done it. Any drinker not worth his salt has probably done it more. Yet there is a strange social stigma attached, as though it were something not practical, amusing and the sign of a hard drinking job well done.

I myself lose my lunch on average once a week. In many ways, it's a highlight of the week. I've learned to see the bright side, flush, then stumble away giggling. "How though?" I hear you not screaming. How the fuck am I supposed to laugh this off? I'm in pain, choking on my own stomach lining, tears streaming from my suddenly bloodshot eyes and there's a little dribble of piss running down my leg from an unrelated incident.

Well don't be such a fucking pussy for starters. Just like burping then shitting your pants after eating, puking is the sign of a good drinking session. Suck it up and enjoy the knowledge that you've put the effort in, got wasted and are now yacking up the fruits of your labour.

Puking In Comfort and Style
First, make yourself comfortable. A towel on the edge of the toilet seat makes an ideal pillow. A pillow works even better. Ideally, take your duvet in there and have a nap afterwards. After all, everyone knows that a real man only sleeps in the toilet. "Kitchen for fucking, toilet for kipping", as the saying goes.

Second, remember to clean your teeth afterwards. Bleach is ideal but if you're reading this instead of drinking you're clearly a pitiful little fucker - use toothpaste or some shit like that instead. Trust me on this - that shit that just came out of you is acid and unless you want thin, girly, faggot teeth, don't let them disolve.

Puking Au Natural
Obviously, these tips don't work if you're out on the tiles, putting away a few brewskis with the girls. Subtlety is the watchword in this situation. If possible, try to puke behind a plant pot, table or fat girl. I'd explain further but the subtle approach is for fucking limp dick cockholes. If you're going to puke in public (and you should), the only way is to draw as much attention to your legendary status as possible - announce in a clear voice "I am going to be sick", stand on the bar and chuck onto the drip-trays. Do it mid kareoke song. Use your imagination.
Lastly, and most importantly of all, enjoy your chunder sessson.

Hall Of Fame
Latest "Day After Drinking" Upchuck:
Peter O'Phile, 4.23pm

Best Vomit (Individual):
Peter O'Phile, Barfing up whole chips after getting food poisoning and going out anyway.

Best Vomit (Individual / Freestyle):
SB, drinking a shot of rancid vodka and scarfing up an exact ashtray full without drawing attention in a crowded bar.

Best Vomit (Series):
Peter O'Phile, Chasing after flatmates giggling whilst stopping to disgorge every few steps. Total ralph count of 5 separate chunk blowings.

Feel free to send me your own reverse drinking stories on PeterOPhile@Gmail.com - they turn me the fuck on.

Unnecessary Lesson 4: For Fuck's Sake, Stop Being A Retard

Warning: If you ever find yourself talking to a woman you've just met and she goes hand in hand to the toilets with her male "friend", leave immediately.

If he returns with a smile on his lips and she returns with...well, you get the idea, leave immediately.

Do not, under any circumstances, consider it acceptable to continue drinking with her, no matter how impressively large her breasts are. Do not, under any circumstances decide to start taking personal liberties with your camera phone instead.

I repeat for clarity - leave immediately.

If you ignore these warnings and get to throwing out time do not, under any circumstances, decide it appropriate to accept her hugs and kisses goodbye. The realisation of what you have done, when seen in the cold light of the next day, will disturb even the most fucked up of minds for a good few hours.

Myself and SB have been showering (separately, you dirty fucks) for over an hour now. Still not clean...

However, when she leaves and her absolute prick of a friend doesn't, do as SB did, walk up to the bar and suggest that they throw him out. Do not provide any reason for this and walk away. Sit back and watch the fun. Still not clean...