Schrödinger's Muslim

Nuclear War. CJD. Global Warming. AIDS. Mega-Tsunamis. Climate Change. MDMA. Killer Asteroids. Dope. Sea World. Acid Rain. The Muslims.

Enough to have shattered every single human being on this planet to tiny red pieces 83 times over. Yet we are still here, more or less.

So now we have pissed up pikey yob cunts deciding who can and can't fly back from the Costa Scathole with them, Mosques being burnt down and I can't travel by air for the next year or so.

I can imagine my reaction when they try to tell me that I can't take anything but the pair of pants I (may be) wearing and a single page torn at random from an approved book. The kind of sarcasm I would be unable to resist can get you put away, probably indefinitely.

But yes, the Great British Public, responsible for such entertaining and well-informed vigilante cat-raids as beating up Paediatricians and murdering women as witches are given a voice to decide who is welcome to share their £20 return to "Barcer". They'd let me, and the honour inherent in this makes me want to cut chunks out of my arms.

I say great. Let the thought-idle fuckers burn up their energy on another fucking farce, their sloping brows furrowed further with fear every time they see a turban. Give them a distraction, lest they come for us.

Let the babies have their bottle, let those who can think and spot such patterns sit back and enjoy the gallows humour absurdity of their actions.

I'll die of cancer. You'll die of a heart failure. That guy in the corner jerking off and making honking noises with his nose? I already told you - cancer. Our eyes are open.

But let the babies have their bogeymen.

So, to join in with the spirit of fear and hysteria being drummed into us like a newspapier-maché dragon boat, I've formed the theory of Schrödinger's Muslim.

The average raghead lives in an indeterminate state, until roused from slumber and shot several times by an overzealous policeman (Observed). The act of being beaten from bed with a cattle prod forces the Muslim to take on one of two states - either Terrorist, or Paedophile. Vote buttons are below. If you Observe a Muslim, please let me know which from he/she takes.

I hope we can finally get some decent intelligence on this island.

Observed State
	Terrorist
	Paedophile
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Rambling Diatribe 3

These adverts for Andrex "puppy on a roll" shit moppers have me a little confused. Can you imagine being that guy?

"So yeah, my portfolio is to break down brand loyalties to toilet paper."
"We're making big strides at the moment by getting people to smear shit all over little puppies...uh...printed onto the roll. Really...uh...truly exciting times for arse wiping technology."
"The next step is to break into sneezes. Reeeeeeal big money in snot cleanup."
"Oh God, I've wasted my life."
"BANG."

Wiping crap off your arse with puppies? Even I baulk at that. For a start kittens are fluffier and easier to flush. Rubbing your ring on Rover? Swabbing sweetcorn with Shep? Yeah, that's a well adjusted society we've got here. Cute.

The trailer for "Snakes on a plane" is another baffler. What the fuck? I'm still not even sure if it's a joke or not. Jesus, can you imagine sitting through two hours of that without losing the plot and getting thrown out for setting fire to the screen again?

"There's snakes! On a plane!"
"I dunno...um...should we land?"
"Fuck, yeah. Let's just land the fucking thing and get off. I'm too old for this shit."
"CUT"

I wonder what the twist will be? Maybe the snakes will actually be lizards, or poisonous crocodiles, or terrorists. Hopefully it'll at least keep a few sets of idiots off the streets for a couple of hours, which is all today's modern film on the move aspires to anyway. It could be like a mini-holiday from retards, which is another subject I'm getting fucked off with at the moment. I mean holidays not retards, you obtuse shit.

I mean, who the fuck doesn't realise that holidays are shit? What sane person wants to be trapped on a cruise ship with the kind of people who would want to go on a fucking cruise ship? It's a constant topic of conversation all summer long - where to, how much, how long, what hole, wait, strike that last one.

So I have an idea - why doesn't everyone shut the fuck up about holidays, go on one and I'll just stay here. You deal with the fucking flights and the passport comptrollers, the delhi belly and the bloated derby bellies, the local driving and the locals, the boring fallen down castles and shitwater regional beers, all of which have you using up roll after roll of the local shit rags which you can't flush and don't even have animals printed on them.

I'll just stay here, enjoying my holiday from the fucking morons. I'll be able to walk down streets without some fake fucking charity worker asking for my bank details, I'll drink in pubs free from people taking 15 minutes to order a small coke and pay for it with a Switch card. I might even be able to go to the cinema without killing everyone there, because I'll be the only one there.

Fuck it, I've seen trailers for this one where a load of snakes get onto a plane for some reason. I can't remember what it's called but don't send me a postcard, I'll be just fine.

Unnecessary Lesson 5: You Really Are A Fucking Dumbass

No matter how much your curiosity may tug at your soul, no matter how much you refine the number of pages of a book you are using to deflect the force, no matter how controlled you think you can make the experiment, it is never a good idea to shoot yourself in the leg with an air-rifle.

It took an hour of picking away at tiny bits of blood soaked paper with tweezers and nail scissors to finally get the pellet out from inside me and my leg is a bruised and bloody fucking mess. I will probably not be repeating this experiment. Probably.

For those now wondering, it hurt, but not as much as I expected*.

Photos to follow when I can make my cameraphone perform either of its duties. Fucking Nokia.

*Someone needs to work out exactly what pain factor (PF) alchohol dulls by on a per unit basis. My guess? Lots.