Peter Vs The EnviroMentalists 2

I'm on a running theme of saving the world. Mainly because I want to be the one to destroy it, not some undeserving military dictator or that funny looking Michael Jackson thing.

So the world media (by which I mean the UK media, nowhere else matters worth a shit except maybe Thailand) is up in arms over our Trident nuclear program, which will shortly be going past its Armageddon Date, decomposing into green goo and turning all those brave soldiers hiding out on our leaky subs into The Incredible Hulk but gay (I assume, they'd be gay, they spend an awful lot of time at sea. I know I could have made a joke about seamen there, just like I could have braked when that kid fell into the road in front of my car this morning. Let me do the jokes, ok?).

And it's a good time to argue the point - the fucking things need replacing in less than twenty years, we'd best get the fuck on with it before the Germans start gazing longingly across the channel and warming up their Mercedes N-Class war machines. Hurry hurry hurry, I say. Of course, Greenpeace and the Ecowhimpers are wringing their feeble hands in utter terror at the thought of us replacing dangerous, slightly smelly old weapons with nice safe new ones, as is their wont.

But fuck those retards, we need nukes to stop the Yanks from nuking us an inch past our lives without fear of reprisal. Don't think for one second that they aren't out there with their CND t-shirts on, campaigning for world peace and plotting for 2024, VE-Day 2. They are waiting in the wings and the French will follow like the horse eating copycat lapdogs we all know they are.

So we need nukes as a deterrent. Fine.

On the other hand they seem very expensive and I'd rather the government was spending its money on a CyberTronic DeathSuit for me. I'll show the fucking Frogs who's boss, then slam my jetpack into gear, fly over the Pacific and teach the Septics who really won the civil war - me. But I digress - we need nukes as a deterrent.

The thought occurs though - if Saddam pulls the pin and lobs a couple of N-bombs our way, does it really matter to me in my final minutes, as I'm jerking off to the wrestling, whether he's getting a faceful of U-235 right back at him or not? When I've got my meat in one hand and a bowl of caviar in my lap, waiting furiously to be turned into boiling hot Peter Soup, does it really make a difference? Well, no. Of course it doesn't. My balls will be just as empty and my face just as melted either way.

So here's the plan...fake WMDs. We tell the filthy Sovs we've got a hundred subs, so advanced that they will never find them lurking in an ocean somewhere, loaded up to the portholes with instant sunshine death, but don't actually bother making any of the fuckers. They go searching but find nothing - because the technology is so fucking awesome. They are terrified of us and unable to press any buttons. The balance remains the same.

Problem solved, Peter O'Phile in altruistic genius mode again, scores a stunning victory (the papers should read). And does The Queen write to thank me? Does she fuck. Stuck up fucking bitch deserves all she's going to get. Except the born-into-riches lifestyle and all that. That's probably undeserved, but the vicious, unrelenting ass punching? Yeah, she has that coming.

I also note that several groups are claiming to speak for the silent majority. This pisses me off to the point of setting off nuclear devices in various capital cities around the world. Next time someone claims to speak for the silent majority, they're going to be on the sharp end of a silent multiple stabbing, followed by a silent corpse defiling. There may be a few manly grunts emitted but they'll get the point, if you get my drift.

The silent fucking majority. If there was one, I'd fucking kill them all. Fake Nukes - write to your MP now and avoid some Greenpeace shitbrain trying to speak for you. If you could write to mine as well it would help tremendously, the restraining order is quite clear on any further communication from me.

This is Peter O'Phile, unable to find a good way to end this communique. Fuck off and write that letter.

Peter Vs The EnviroMentalists

Global warming. Pointing out that I don't blindly accept the theory of global warming as true has lead to some odd results at times. The most obvious example is my being called a fascist several times. Which makes a lot of sense really - expressing a freely held contrary opinion to the average Ecobot can often enrage them. How dare I not follow their beliefs? There should be a law against it. Fuck it, he's a fascist wanker anyway (to be fair, 50% of that last assumption is correct).

I could bitch about the Envirocunts all day. In fact I did once, but I got sacked and that's not what I'm here for today. So I'll just say that I dislike people who try to force their opinion onto me and often force my pint glass into them in return. Into this box go the religious, Ecotwats and a shedload of other retards. Let's leave it at that.

So I don't accept global warming as fact. It might be true, I don't know. But fuck it, I've dedicated about eight seconds' thought to the issue and solved it. Now the little pricks can start worrying about global coldening, which I can also solve (for a fee this time).

Have you ever left your fridge open for a week by mistake? I have. Your kitchen gets cold. Cold as fuck, actually. I opened the window and it got warmer. Now my Physics background tells me that the cold air escaped to the outside. Therefore, I cooled the world down by a tiny bit.

Here's the plan - we all leave our fridges open for an entire 24 hours. Fair enough, it'll cost us all a bit extra in electricity but we could easily cool the planet by two or three degrees, maybe even six or so. If we work together we could beat this thing, for once and for all. International Winners Against Nasty Climates Day is June the 30th. Let us unite and kick climate change to the kerb, just by leaving our fridge doors open. Hell, run your A/C for the entire 24 hours if you want (but try not to catch a cold, it's not worth it).

Email your friends, email your enemies and email that guy you slept with in a night-club toilet one time when you were on LSD and thought I was in an owl sanctuary. Spread the message, spread the word - International Winners Against Nasty Climates Day. Live it, for life.

POP NOTE: Every time I see a Toyota Prius on the road, I complete my journey without changing out of first gear, so don't think that's going to help solve the problem. Leave your fridge door open instead and actually contribute for once, you fucking prick.