Peter O'Phile's Guide To Not Being A Shitlicker

People often ask me how I come across as the most mentally stong, dammed fine example of a human being they've ever met. Well actually, they don't because they most often meet me for the first time when I'm slumped on a bar somewhere, crying because the bastards won't play anything by John Lee Hooker and this skews their whole view of me a little.

If they did ask though, my answer would be that I have a set of rules that stand me in good stead. The only times I have ever been in trouble have been when I stepped outside of those rules. Note that they are not fucking girly "guidelines" or cornhole pussy ass "recommendations" but a set of cast iron rules. I've learnt my lesson, which incidentally, is one of my rules.

Life

No Point Crying Over Spilt Milk
When something goes wrong, work out why and what you could have done to solve the problem. Then work out how to recognise the problem before it occurs and how to avoid it ever ocurring again.
Learn your lesson and move on.

Or, sit around fucking crying like a little girl as the judge sends you down for 10 years and realise that you're too fucking retarded for this level of thought. Enjoy your little holiday, dumbass.

Fuck You, You're Out
Never send three texts in a row to someone without a reply. This is pretty much stalking and the person in question must now earn your friendship back. Shortcuts to this do of course include cash donations.

Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt
Deliberately offending people is an essential way to test their mettle. Always have an exit plan.

Love

Don't Be A Fucking Retard, Dumbass
Been cheated on? That's the end of that fucking relationship then. Never go back, never look back, if at all possible never even speak to the bitch again - unless it's to highlight why her lack of morals has led to her being burried face down in a fire-ant colony.

Would You Let You Do This To You?
Never let someone else do to you what you wouldn't like to do to yourself (read this carefully you fucking retard). Note that this has no bearing on your treatment of other people who may well let you do what the fuck you want to them.

Liberty

Always Hold The Joker, Wildcard and Anything Else You Can Get
Never trust anyone with knowledge that could send you to prison unless you can repay the favour.

Do It But Do It Right
When breaking the law, leave no evidence or witnesses that are sure enough what happened to testify in court.

School Stories 1

It was whilst attending an old fashioned, boys only selective school that PO'P first began to show elements of his true obsessive/compulsive, sociopathic, schizophrenic dumbass nature.

Although little memory remains from this period, the odd nugget of recollection occasionally falls into the stained trousers of the mind. This series will attempt to document some of the events from this period of PO'Ps' life.

Peter O'Phile and the Strawberry Flavoured Rice Paper
Thank God that Karma (and God for that matter) don't exist, otherwise I would be royally fucked for this one. An acquantaince and myself obtained a reasonable quantity of LSD. Wishing to share this with a mutual friend we decided to let him try some new flavoured rice paper from Japan.

"It doesn't taste like strawberries" he said, "Keep it on your tongue then chew it up a bit", we said. That poor dumb bastard flipped out like an ADHD kid on LSD. Which he was. We were 12 or 13 years old at the time.

The Cable Guy
I'm not 100% clear on the technical details of this one but it sure made a big flame and caused plenty of damage. An electrical ring main (I believe) carries electricity rated at a higher power than normal extension cables and their ilk. Having some experience with electric shocks and fires, I can confirm that the results were certainly greater than a normal 240V cable shorting out.

Bored one lunchtime I noticed a cable running along the wall inside a classroom. The only sensible option seemed to be to pull on it a little and see what happened. It had been painted over many, many times and gave way with a satisfying crack. I pretended to windsurf using it - hanging on and leaning back, when I heard a further cracking noise. Inspection revealed that the cable had split and I could see bare wires. Spotting the danger (to my liberty) I attempted to return the cable to its original position. There was a bang, quickly followed by a bright green flame and strange buzzing noise. I stepped backwards and turned away quickly, instantly blinded by the light. After what seemed like a minute or two but was more likely 10 seconds or so the noise stopped. The entire wall was blackened and scorched. As was my right hand, up to the wrist. Fuck only knows how I escaped that one without serious injury.

Bad Decisions In Wales
Take a field trip to wales, camp in the hills, cook for yourselves and walk 30 miles over the weekend were the instructions. Get loaded and cause trouble was my interpretation. We were provided with Trangia stoves but no fuel. Minutes before leaving I realised I had no methylated spirits but plenty of White Spirits which would, if anything burn even hotter. Quick food, I thought. A couple of days later whilst burning scrambled eggs and drinking vodka I realised that flames were coming out of the top of the cooker and getting somewhat out of control.

In a flash of inspiration, I realised that kicking the cooker over was the only option. Unexpectedly the excessive amounts of white spirits I had poured into the thing quickly soaked into the dry peaty topsoil and started burning even stronger when provided with natural fuel. The only serious casualty was someone else's tent.