En Francais, Nobody Can 'Ere You Scream...

...But if you happen to point out that they're all spineless war-shy cunts who hide in bushes at the first sign of a ruck, suddenly they're all ears.

Just got back from a three day trip over there and I'm too tired to do anything other than smoke and stare at walls (fortunately this is something of a hobby anyway). I've been sitting around all day with that weird feeling you get when you've been on a boat for a few days, then stand on some solid ground, which then seems to keep moving gently up and down, and everything has a grey tinge to it (admittedly this is England, so everything being grey isn't all that unusual).

I can't even be arsed to write about how stupid the phrase "postcode lottery" is, given that there only two numbers in a fucking postcode and that all you "win" is a new hip, compared with enough cash to pay a couple of Ethiopian kids to grow a whole new set of organs for you with the real thing (it happens, trust me).

I also can't be arsed to question why most doctors who claim you can't tickle yourself because "you're already expecting it" don't expect it when other people tickle them. Are there surprise ticklings going on that I'm missing out on? Should I be approaching people and doing the same?

No, I would suggest that they are lying cunts and they don't really know why people can't tickle themselves but are too shifty to admit it. Which is why I'd rather die than go to a doctor ever again.

Oh wait, it looks like I could be arsed. C'est la cunt, non?

And for a complete change of track, some pictures of cocks (NSFW):





















Shoot on sight, people.

Firefox: Fuck Off

Somebody needs to say it, though it comes under the topic of nerd heresy*...Firefox fucking sucks.

Four years ago, it was an idea whose time had come. People were anxious to browse porn sites without IE installing 20 sets of hijacking software and 32 viruses before the fluffer had even finished his work. They were ready for a browser which didn't try to take over their entire computer with popups if they so much as looked at a link the wrong way. They were...well, sick to the kidneys of Internet Explorer and its vast arrays of shitness.

So it came to pass that Firefox crawled out of its hole and people flocked to it. Literally tens of people gave it a shot. And it was good, or so it appeared. No more gaudy flash adverts appearing and playing chicken sounds when you're at work, no need for the rapid Alt-F4 hitting sessions closing all those lovely windows full of leg spread lovelies when the boss stopped by for a chat, a quick Ctrl-Tab would hide Debbie Does Dallas 1-44 and the entire Shaved Cat Suicide Mega Happy collection in the blink of one eye. No more would you fear to press the "home" button, in case it had been changed from www.youngirlsuckingoatesticles.com to something disgusting or worse, non-pornographic.

But sooner or later, the harsh light of day has to shine upon everything and the time has come for Firefox. Whilst it doesn't show popups, this is probably because it is so slow it can't show popups. And it may not run those stupid adverts done in Flash that spring to life when you wander your mouse over them, but it does instead crash the one time you actually want to run a Flash thingy. Don't even think of trying to open a word document or excel spreadsheet in one click, you'd be better off dousing your computer in holy water and running off to join the circus, who will probably tattoo those numbers from accounts you needed onto your chest in the fullness of time. At the very least, you be able to molest some dwarves, but I digress.

What a fucking let-down, those cunts got hold of a great idea and did fuck all to see it through. What a double fucking pisser that I'm even surprised it happened that way.

So fuck it, I'm off to install IE7. Sound the horns and release the Firehounds.

*Normally this would mean I'd say it earlier purely to piss people off. Eye on the ball in future, O'Phile.

PS, The below happened while I was writing this. Seriously. And people wonder why I'm always so fucking pissed off. Fucking rat-shit-cunt-paedo-tramp bastards, the lot of them.

Tie Me A Ribbon

It's high time I pointed out that everybody wearing those awareness ribbon things are tossers. What the fuck is wrong with just donating to breast cancer and having done? Nothing, the titties will still get saved or sliced (possibly the only noble cause left in this world) just the same either way*.

So why wear a ribbon? To nag at other people? I've given money, why haven't you? Well fuck right off on that score. That thing cost money to make - if you really gave a shit, you'd sell it on ebay and donate the profit back. Or insist they didn't make any in the first place.

Which leaves us with only one conclusion - the people who wear these things are showing off. Fine, you paid up and now we know how kind and loving you are. Your heart is on your sleeve, as is your heart-disease awareness and love of people with AIDS. You Care.

So why is it that when I gave a tramp a tenner last week and told him to follow me around all evening telling young females that I was a generous and groovy guy (not that he needed to, I was simply trying to educate him on the benefits of a fair day's work), I got banned from the Tollman's Arms? Hypocrisy and bollockism, that's what it is.

In hindsight, tying him up next to that Bull Mastiff was a bit off but I couldn't take him inside, he smelt like someone who lives on the streets for fuck's sakes.

It gets worse - there are so few colours in the world that the charity bastards have to share. For example, I love our troops (this is just an example remember, I've only ever met one squaddie I didn't hate. In fact, I've only ever met a handful of people I didn't hate. Is there a ribbon for that?), so I must pin a yellow ribbon to my chest. Done.

But wait, now I am also supporting Obesity. Fuck those fatties, they can swing from an appropriately strong rope. In the wrong light, I am all about Leukaemia. And I hope that the people who decided bladder cancer should have a yellow ribbon did it for a laugh (I've checked, bowel cancer isn't brown, the humourless bastards).

All I can say is that Tony Orlando will be spinning in his grave, and people wearing these ribbons should be pushed into rivers on sight from this point onwards.

*It has occurred that wearing a pink ribbon may allow you to hang around mastectomy clinics gathering "offcuts". In which case, this whole article is moot and I'm off to buy one now.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...

Even when it was the Muslims, I knew it was the Elephants. First we have that sting ray eating Steve Irwins, now this happens. Round them up and shoot them before it's too late, I say.

The War on The Animalian Kingdom starts here (except for humans who are not really animals (which is why vegetarians think it's ok to eat them, the evil shits)). Apparently it's not unknown for sharks to attack people too. Put this alongside the occasional humming bird killing frenzy, armadillo assaults and snakes randomly boarding planes (that one did well, didn't it), it's clear what we have to do. Nuke the fuckers. And don't forget that a monkey invented AIDS. Did even Hitler go that far? Exactly.

In unrelated news, I was hiding from my manager in a toilet cubicle today and someone came in (to the toilet, not the cubicle) and started cleaning their teeth. Bit fucking odd. Especially as they had toothpaste (I could smell the minty freshness over my own stench) and a brush, which they must be keeping stashed in a pocket.

And you thought toilets were just for drinking, sleeping and shitting in. I guess you do learn something new every day.