A Sane Man's Product Review:Watt's On! Watts-On! What's'On'Oh fuck it

That...thing, is called a Wattson. I hope that you haven't heard of it and I can now ruin your day before running off into the night wearing only a sheep. It monitors electricity usage.

Want a link to find out more? Here you go you lazy fuck:
http://www.google.co.uk

I have a few comments. You might like to take a seat, there's some maths involved. Let's start with the obvious.

How To Recreate Wattson's Monitor Function In Three Easy Steps, Using Simple Household Items Only:

• Look at electricity meter.
• Allow time to pass.
• Look at electricity meter.

I'm recommending that the time taken over stage two should be around 65 years. Don't rush it, and don't go anywhere while the reading's going on, you'll fuck up the gamma correction.

How To Save More Money Than Wattson Costs:

• Don't buy Wattson
• Switch on light-bulb for 1.5 years.
  
• Switch off light bulb
• Alternatively, don't use a washing machine for 15 years**.
  

Yes, that's right. Running a light bulb constantly for 1.7 years* would cost you around £150. As would buying this piece of shit. Also the risk of a light bulb catching fire and burning your house down is minimal compared to my coming round and setting your baby alight if you own a Wattson.

Note that I ignored the fact that Wattson already has lights inside and so didn't have to calculate the cost of running the bastard thing. Also it avoided my head melting of internal rage.

How To Save More Environment Than By Using Wattson:

• Don't Buy Wattson
• Don't Buy Batteries For Wattson
• Wait. Batteries?

Yes, that's right. Batteries. In a device intended to help save the environment. I have nothing more to say on this matter. It also appears to be made from plastic, so it will be around long after the manganese and mercury run out.

How To Have More Fun Than By Using Wattson:

• Eat razor blades
• Start a fight in a convent
• Hunt down the idiots below and beat them to death with vegetarian shoes

http://www.ecolocal.com/uk/home_life/show/wattson http://www.newconsumer.com/news/item/wonderful_wattson_smart_meter_to_debut_at_150

I can't even comment on how dull watching that fucking thing must be. I'd rather watch myself get eaten from the inside out by a rat. Even bearing in mind that you can't even see anything at all for the first twenty minutes of agonising rat-pain.

So in summary, an idea that should have ended in a game of russian roulette, spawned by a company that should have been run by Northern Rock, bought by people who should be used to run my car.

I give it two cocks up.





* Wattson/Light Bulb Maths:
Electricity @ 10p per kWh
Price = £150.00
Price = 1500 kWh

Light bulb @ 100W
1500 kWh => 15000 h
15000 h = 625 days

*Wattson/Washing Machine Maths:
Average 1.5kWh per cycle
1000 cycles
1 cycle per week
18 years

Attention Car Companies: Try Harder

It's high time someone took a stand against the idiotic fucking names car companies are giving their shitbox piece of crap cars nowadays. I can accept the poor, bland styling, safety-first handling, and mediocre performance they seem to think everyone on this planet wants. Accept, but not be happy about, of course.

However, when they then force me to ride in a car with a name so stupid I want to kill myself with a teaspoon just thinking about the process involved, I draw the line. Really, all it takes is a little thought guys. Look at your car. If it's a small box, call it the Smallbox, or Shitcrap - you get the idea.

The Fiat "Panda"

Don't arbitrarily call your car a panda unless it actually bears a resemblance to the white and black bear like mammal which held the name first:

A Fiat "Panda", Dim Sum.

Does your car look like a fucking panda? Come on, Sim-Sim, mate to save your species...Oh, ok, fuck you then. It's a car's exhaust you're trying to force your confused panda cock into anyway.

The Honda "Jazz"

To be perfectly honest, it's highly unlikely that your car has anything at all in common with a form of music typified by a strong but flexible rhythmic understructure, including solo and ensemble improvisations on basic tunes and chord patterns. SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL YOUR CAR A JAZZ? Unless, of course you meant the colloquialism of Jazz - e.g. Love Juice, Spunk, Cum, White Sticky Water. In which case, I apologise as your car does actually look like a pile of wank.

Oh yeah, nice. The Honda "Jazz".

The Mitsubishi "Colt"

A colt is a young fucking horse, you retarded bastards. A young fucking horse. What does a big box made of metal, rubber and selotape have to do with horses? Nothing, you say? Well then please explain this titular travesty:

The Mitsubishi "Colt" prepares to take its first jump.

The Ford "Escort"

How about a car that spent last night lying on it's back getting fucked for money? Well, the Ford Escort will be right up your street, Sir. She'll take you where you want to go and suck you dry as she does it. Mind your wallet though, else you'll wake up in a bath full of ice, missing two kidneys and your credit cards.

The Ford "Escort". Stupid Fucking Name.

The Seat "Ibiza"

What I'm really looking for in a car, though, is the ability to party non-stop for six months of the year, sleep with anonymous drunk strangers and return to England with Herpes. My dream car should also be situated in the Balearic Islands, preferably somewhere west of Majorca.

The Seat "Ibiza". Knows how to party.

It is genuinely disturbing how little choice you have left available to you if you rule out cars on the (not unreasonable) basis of them having stupid names. Come on, Subaru, bring out the "FuckingAwesome". When's the new Vauxhall "KickAssAndFastAsFuck" due? Why, why, why won't Ford answer my letters about their "GrannyRapeKiddyKiller" concept car?

The decision I have come to, as I am sure many others will in due time, is that until automobile nomenclature takes a turn for the better, I'll just have to stick with my trusty old Toyota Picnic.

Oh, and by the way ladies, I fuck almost as well as I photoshop. Contact me via PeterOPhile@Gmail.com.

Reader Survey Of The W...Month: Stuff

You are about to be shot in the head seven times, having been mistaken for a terrorist due to your slightly brown skin. What you rather be shot with?
	Hollow Point Ammunition
	HyperDeathLaser MkII
	Full Metal Jacket Ammunition
	Titanium Enriched Cheese
	Really Sharp Sticks
	No Strong Preference

You are a bit lardy, having overdone it on the food front. What or whom do you blame for this?
	Titanium Enriched Cheese
	My (Your, Not My (Mine)) Big Fucking Mouth
	Food Being Just Simply Fucking Awesome
	Societal Pressure Against Obesity Driving Me To Food
	Guilt Over Those Babies In My Sewing Drawer Driving Me To Food
	EAWFR TW$% JUYGKIGU
	That last option was a cheap shot. I apologise.
	Leading question, your honour. I decline to answer.

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