Where's Maddy?

Holy fucking shit am I glad there's no hell, but I just couldn't fight it any longer.


Click the image for full sized family fun.

Now I've got nothing against the girl, however...

That website with the hideous fucking Bryan Adams song blasting out - will she even want to come back after seeing that? I'd rather be raised by wolves. And what are her parents doing going on some weird world tour and meeting the pope? Did Jesus tell them they were the Rolling Stones?

Sadly after this length of separation the mother won't normally accept her back anyhow, they'll be able to smell humans on her. I'm sorry, but it's a fact - Richard Attenborough told me.

Last time I checked, the fund had raised nearly a million quid. Given that the poor lass is inevitably going to be found in chunks down the back of some greasy Porto's sofa, it's probably time to start thinking about alternative uses.

Personally, I'd like to put forward the idea of dropping 100,000,000 1p coins onto Tony Blair from a hot air balloon. Fuck it, I'll even pay for the blimp. What can I say, I'm a philanthropist.

Sponsorship Stupor

Now, I can appreciate an act of hardship or trial carried out in the name of charity as much as the next man. For example, I would gladly pay £10 per to throw bricks (without fear of legal reprisal) at any number of people. And if the money went to Cancer Research, Great Ormond's Street, or that one that parachutes grain into African countries so that they can kill each other fighting to keep the whole lot for themselves?

Well it seems like everybody wins, and that's always a good starting point.

I'd happily stump up a quid for every mile that Tony Blair managed to run off the end of Brighton Pier, I wouldn't even cap it at £50 like some of those tight fuckers do. If the dosh later goes to Amnesty International, or even Oxfam, what business is it of mine?

And yet the trend with these things, as is often the case, has moved towards more selfish tendencies. A few weeks ago I was asked to sponsor somebody to do a sky dive. But it wasn't a bloke in a wheelchair taking the plunge, or even a girl that cried and got nosebleeds from changing light bulbs, no. Just an ordinary sort. So the jump costs around £150 (it's in tandem, because apparently you need some sort of guidance on falling) and what's left of the sponsorship after that is deducted goes to charity...

Now hang on a fucking moment. This is just a way to go free free falling, isn't it?

Another one does a sponsored marathon every year. Not bad, unless you know that he does marathons all the fucking time anyway. The poor halfwit even jogs about in his spare time (there should really be a charity to help people like him). This is like me asking for a tenner to sit on my arse and watch TV with a hand down my pants. Or Manson charging £20 a go to pop off hitch-hiker heads. You can stick your sponsored dish washes up your fucking arses, you chancer cunts.

And yet, when I put up a note about my "Sponsored Horse Holocaust" on the company noticeboard, I didn't make a fucking penny. Of course, like the stalwart type that I am I still did it, notching up 21 confirmed kills before the fuzz turned up and I had to create an impromptu hideout from horse intestines, ribs and brains (actually, in the interests of honesty the police didn't turn up. I was just tired from all the equine extermination and needed a nap).

Of course, you could easily put my failure down to poor punctuation. But it's the same story with my "Sponsored Licking Of Marissa Miller's Nipples (By Me)" idea (all in aid of Breakthrough). There were a few complaints resulting from the "all staff" email, apparently I'm a misogynist now. To be frank, I can't see how my idea could be any further from misogyny, but the restraining order makes one thing clear - Barnardo's are going without their Christmas turkey this year.

You can try to tell me that the Sky Diving stunt still made a few quid to keep kids in shoes, so it's all Ok. You can try to tell me that Captain RunRun isn't pulling a swift one and that as long as the charity involved makes a bit of money everything's great.

But you know what? It isn't.